My boyfriend wants my attention 24-7
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Q. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for six months now. During this time, he’s been through a lot — and it resulted in him ghosting me once. Even through all of that, I waited and stayed there for him, trying to be supportive.
When we eventually got back together, we decided that we would be honest when we were both feeling insecure because of his past relationships and trauma. That’s a big step, but it doesn’t change the fact that all we ever do is fight. It’s always about the same thing — me having male friends and how I’m friendly to co-workers, etc. He said he’d prefer to have my attention 24/7. I don’t follow some people on my social media anymore because he didn’t like it. I’ve never cheated on him or given him reason to fear I want to leave him.
Recently, he was going through my phone and deleted two of my contacts (both male friends) without acknowledging it to me. I confronted him because one is someone I need to talk to for practical reasons. He made it sound like it was my fault for allowing him to see my phone, and then proceeded to tell me that he won’t go on my phone anymore because it bothers me. I’ve told him I don’t mind as long as he tells me if he changes something. It seems like it’s a one-sided rule — he messages anyone he wants because I trust him. I’m just so tired of having to bring up the same issue and not getting any change. I don’t know what to do.
FRUSTRATED
A. This doesn’t sound healthy for you. Good romantic partners don’t isolate you from people you care about. They don’t try to control your access to the rest of the world. A podcast guest was recently explaining to me how she was helped by a tool called the “wheel of power,” which highlighted problems in her relationship that had been difficult to name.
That isolation part — it’s real and important. If your significant other wants your attention 24-7, your world will be all about him … and way too small.
I understand how his behavior is related to trauma. Of
course his past experiences have contributed to his insecurities. But that doesn’t mean he’s owed a partner who follows a bunch of rules to make him feel secure. All it means is that he has to help himself to be better.
I think it would be helpful to talk to someone about separating yourself from this relationship. Professionals can hear you out and assist you with next steps. They’ll understand that you still care about what happens to him, and that it’s complicated. This is a Massachusetts page — www.mass.gov/lists/healthy-relationships-tools-and-resources — but I find it has great resources and links to services for everyone.
It would be easier if you and this man both decided you were incompatible and walked away, but that’s not where this is going. Start by holding onto your phone (it’s yours, after all) and getting the services you need. Then see what the world is like when you’re making decisions for yourself. It’s only been six months. You can exit and reset.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Previous bad relationships don’t give you a hall pass to control your partner. If he has trust issues, he needs to work them out on his own — not monitor and control your other relationships. More importantly, however, is the part of you that thinks any of this is acceptable enough to stay, starting with him ghosting you. Expect better for yourself and create the space for that to enter your life.
BONECOLD
It will NEVER get better, this isn’t a “phase.”
DANGLEPARTICIPLE
You should end things now because that is also going to be harder to do as time moves on. SUNALSORISES
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.