Is Taylor Swift dating the wrong NFL superstar?
Dear NFL Insider: Is Taylor Swift dating the wrong football star? I have nothing against Donna Kelce’s charming son Travis, but does Taylor know that Tom Brady, a.k.a. the Greatest of All Time, is ready, rested, and available? If anybody knows how to share the spotlight with a more successful woman, that would be Tom! Regards, Broken Coverage
Dear Broken: Yes the branding possibilities would be intergalactic, to say nothing of the endless supply of Tom Swifty jokes, e.g., “‘I love football players,’ she said, gamely.” But only Taylor knows her own heart! And is she really ready to start eating avocado ice cream and giving up nightshade vegetables such as peppers, mushrooms, and eggplant? Tay’s a self-professed “common sense” eater. TB-12 may be a big stretch for her, he said, measuredly.
Dear NFL Insider: Who is the hairless garden gnome on Fox’s halftime show? Is that Joe Biden’s less-coherent older brother? Thanks, Concerned in Pittsburgh
Dear Concerned: We think you are referring to four-time Super Bowl champion Terry Bradshaw, the greatest quarterback of the 1970s and the occasional butt of cruel japes, e.g., Saturday Night Live: “They shaved one of the guys from ‘Duck Dynasty’ and here I am!” Fans with long memories recall gossipy newspaper items about Bradshaw’s second marriage to ice dancer JoJo Starbuck, perhaps best known for introducing Americans to the charms of ramen noodles.
Dear NFL Insider: Won’t there be any formal sanctions for Fox Sports sideline reporter Charissa Thompson, who admitted that she fabricated some “quotations” from interviews that never took place? I thought journalism had a zero-tolerance policy for making stuff up. Best wishes, Credulous Cressida in Cranston
Dear Cressida: Serious journalism absolutely forbids fabrications for any reason. As Taylor Swift said to me when while noshing on loaded BBQ tater tots in Arrowhead Stadium last week, “It’s so depressing that the media just make stuff up about my personal life. I mean Travis is great, don’t get me wrong, but if you want to pass my number on to Tom Brady, well, just don’t say where you got it.”
Dear NFL Insider: How can I possibly tell one Harbaugh from another? According to Wikipedia, there are five living football coaches named Harbaugh, four of them related. Is one of them bonkers? Thanks if you can help, Hobbled by Homonyms in Hooksett
Dear Hobbled: The only Harbaughs you need to know are the super-successful brothers John, coach of the Baltimore Ravens, and Jim, coach at the University of Michigan. Jim may be bonkers, but in a good way. He has advised players to not eat chicken (“a nervous bird”) and observed that “some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork.” Not “common sense” gastronomy, we observe, tastefully.
Dear NFL Insider: I may be in an unhealthy relationship with an NFL team owner. I am doing my best to get fired, but the owner continues to insist that I coach the team. To paraphrase the great Bill Parcells, I’m the one making the dinner, but the owner is forcing me to shop for ingredients at Dollar General. In despair, A Grouchy Old Man from Nantucket
Dear Grouch: We think your travails will soon come to an end. Might you start a second career officiating at the Taylor Swift-Tim Terrific wedding? Anything is possible.
Dear NFL Insider: Who is the hairless garden gnome on Fox’s halftime show?