The divorce was messy, but are we still in love?
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Q. I am 71 years old, three years out of a divorce. I’ve known my ex-wife for more than 50 years. We dated in our youth, then married other people in our 20s.
Still, throughout that time, mutual friends would disclose tidbits of info. “He/She was asking about you…” type of stuff.
Maybe because of a mid-life crisis or some warped romantic fantasy, I found her online when that became possible, and I sent her a birthday card. Yes, I remembered her birthday even after 30 years.
So this session began, email and texting (only 42 characters back then). She lived in another state, so no secret rendezvous — until one day she was coming to visit relatives, so we made plans. We were both ecstatic at the prospect, and then we met. Then kissed. Her marriage was on the rocks and she had filed for divorce. Mine? Well, it was complacent, routine, just dragging, and it stood no chance with the prospect of me reuniting with my first love.
We both viewed this as meant to be. We married. Of 15 years, the last two or three were bad. The family dynamics were complicated with adult children moving back in and staying in our home, still expecting their mother to cater to them. My wife and I fought about the children and their responsibilities and contributions to our home. These fights ruined the relationship, and she and her family became cruel. They created a narrative that was hurtful and suggested I was a villain — taking legal action against me, trying to change my reputation in my community. The divorce itself was financial disaster.
But then, one month after things were final, it started again — texting and emailing. Then there were invitations to get together. Now? We don’t have any conversations about the big conflicts. When I address what we might be doing, she says we don’t have to tell anyone — because we’re not cheating.
I’m not a friends-with-benefits kind of person. But with her I’m like a moth to a flame, even now. I don’t see any solution. Because of the awful things she told her community about me, this has to remain clandestine. Is this a control issue on her behalf ? Is this some kind of recognition of her irrationality during our divorce?
I have tried online dating, but no success. Just as well — because if I met someone new, how would I explain 50 years of yearning?
BEWITCHED BOTHERED
AND BEWILDERED A. I hope you’re speaking with a therapist about this. You’ve been through a big divorce. Two, technically. It would help to discuss your connection to this woman and how to break patterns.
As you figure this out, practice selfcontrol. You do not need to see your ex. You’re not a moth, she’s not a flame. This is hurtful and upsetting, and even if it feels good in the moment, it is not working long-term.
You’re opposed to having a secret relationship, so make that clear. If she were open to family therapy, figuring out what happened with the kids, and coming up with a plan to reunite — even from two different houses, with new boundaries — that might be different. But there have been no apologies on either side, I’d imagine. She’s playing pretend, trying to rewind time, but that doesn’t work.
She’s right that this isn’t cheating, I guess, but it still requires lying to people you care about. If this is supposed to be a secret forever, it’s time to walk away for good.
Get the help you need with a mental health professional, and maybe, over time, dating others will look a bit different.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
This is one of those cases where I’d really like to read her letter. You gloss over the fact that you divorced your first wife with barely a look back.
HIKERGALNH128
You are now divorced, time to let this go and heal yourself. Do not have any more contact with her or this will never end for either of you. You still have many years left to enjoy your life, don’t settle for this uncertainty.
LEFTYLUCY7
Sounds like you both want to be together but were torn apart by external forces. I suggest you follow her lead and don’t overthink it. As long as it feels good, keep doing it. At your age — and by the way, I say this as someone who’s a bit older — choose love.
OUTOFORDER