Blindsided by his marriage proposal
Q. My partner of nine years proposed to me and left me feeling totally blindsided. We’ve been together for a long time. I knew from year one that I could see him as my husband. We have fun together and love each other deeply, even though we aren’t perfect.
Sometimes we bring out the worst in each other. We exacerbate each other’s bad eating and exercising habits, and I know this will lead to health issues in the future. We still struggle to communicate effectively — he avoids conflict and I bottle things up.
Around year five, I lost my father, which led to months of depression. That whole year and a half was a blur. This is when I started to address the feelings of resentment I had that built up in the relationship. I am a romantic who goes the extra mile — surprise birthdays, love letters ... but I always felt he deserved it.
When I compare him to other partners in my family, I can’t believe how lucky I am. But after years of giving too much of myself, I lost hope that he could meet my needs. I said I wanted to break up to work on myself because I felt broken after my father passed. He didn’t want to throw the relationship away while I did this work, so we tried again. I expressed my unmet needs and how I always wanted to marry him. I wanted a house and a family. I felt like I had been waiting. He said he saw us growing old together and me being his wife, but when he said it, it felt too late.
I asked him to go to therapy with me and we seemingly made an action plan after many talks. Cue the plan not being followed and us having the same conversation a year later when I got a new job in a different city. We made the distance work, but therapy didn’t happen.
During long-distance, we worked on ourselves — we got healthier and spent time on other close relationships. It honestly felt like he was better without me. I saw growth in him that I was proud of, and I was proud of my own work. After a year, he got a job in my city and the long-distance ended. We moved in together and it felt like we were in a really great place. Though we were slightly improved, we still fell into some old patterns, and foundational issues bubbled up again.
At this time, I was close to having enough to afford a huge trip I had planned, and invited him to come with me. We figured out a way to travel for six months.
The trip has been so incredible. I see how fun and reliable he is. I have felt safe with him. He understands me and helps so much.
During our final month of traveling together, he suddenly proposed. We haven’t spoken about marriage more than a few times in the last couple of years, as I thought we were focusing on the core issues in our relationship. In the moment, I was so shocked I couldn’t say anything for about 10 seconds and then spat out a pathetic, “I think so.” Then I turned to him and asked, “Why now?” He said he wanted to show me where he was at in the relationship, and looking back I can see how lovely the gesture was.
I know I need to tell him that I need more time, but the more I think about it, the more worried I become. If my instinctual answer wasn’t a resounding “Yes!” … should it be no? He deserves someone who can say HELL YES to him, no? And am I crazy for thinking we aren’t ready for this until we’ve solved these issues in couples therapy before even considering a proposal?
The potential next steps I have dreamed up are: A) Couples therapy. If the therapist thinks I should be able to work on myself in this relationship, I will try my best and we can revisit the marriage discussion after working through these core issues. B) I ask us to break up and then will give him the power to make contact with me in a year if he wants to try things again. I genuinely don’t think I will ever stop loving him and can’t imagine being with anyone else.
This is so long I know! Apologies if it is too much, but please weigh in here. What do you think? What would you do?
FROM A TEARY-EYED TRAVELER A. 1. It’s OK to say maybe to a proposal.
I’m sure a ton of people date each other for two years, have a blissful time, decide to get married, and scream “yes” without hesitation — only to figure out at year eight that marriage is not what they expected. Others date, have kids, stay together for 20 years, propose for the ritual of it all, and give an easy “yes” because they already know their system works.
Your “maybe” is about timing and what you know in the moment. All it means is that based on the information you have, you can’t give a final answer. It’s a reasonable response.
2. Therapy is the one thing you haven’t tried, and both of you are on board for it. Get there as soon as you can.
3. It sounds like this grand trip is ending, and that you’ll have to return to reality broke and ready to rebuild. Don’t put pressure on yourself to answer all of life’s questions as soon as you return. Can you table everything for now so you can adjust? Really, delete the timeline, remove expectations, and think about what you want to do now. In this case, a “maybe” might mean, “What an exciting idea. We’ll see.”
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
The fallacy people often fall for is that if you’re working on yourself you can’t be in a relationship. This is false.
SURFERROSA
Your letter is full of details on why he’s such a great guy, you’re so lucky to have him, he’s so committed ... but you were the one who asked for a break. And you were the one who wasn’t ready to say “yes” when he asked. It really is that simple. Everything else is just agonizing over what’s going to be a difficult adjustment. And the therapy idea just draws things out — because no therapist is going to tell you whether to marry him or not, nor make it easier when you break up.
BACKSEATDRIVER85
When people say “relationships take work,” this is not what they mean. A good relationship shouldn’t be this hard. RANDOMKINDNESS