The guys I date want a buddy, not a girlfriend
Q. How do I stop being the buddy and become the girlfriend?
This has been going on for years, and while I am happy that many guys seem comfortable with me, maybe it’s too comfortable?
I have had some medium-term relationships in the past, and looking back, now I can usually see that I will get the buddy speech early on. The guy will talk and talk and I may get one question for me/about me. “You are such a good listener!” AndIam thinking they only asked me out to be a shrink, a mommy, or they were bored/hate being alone.
If there are additional dates and the behavior continues, I know I am headed for the buddy zone. I have tried to steer the conversation my way a few times, and they take it back. I have enough male friends (strictly platonic). I want a boyfriend, not a boy friend. My male friends are like brothers to me and have been since we first met. They have wives/girlfriends of their own and I am happy for them.
Thoughts (prayers)?:)
BUDDY
A. Good friends listen.
Excellent friends want to ask a zillion questions.
I’m not sure you’ve been dating men who want a buddy. Based on the details here, it seems these men have been looking for an audience. You’ve listened until they decided it was time to move on.
I hereby give you permission to cut ties with these men early on. If someone isn’t captivated by what you have to say on early dates, they’re not the right boyfriend or platonic companion. If they’re monologuing with no reciprocation, they can do that elsewhere.
Think about who you find compelling, and decide whether they’ve made you feel fascinating in return.
Also ask your loving friends and their partners to consider setting you up. It sounds like you have a great group of people in your life. Some are probably good at matchmaking.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
It could be the case (for some men) that they’re picking up on the fact that they need to carry the conversation because you don’t seem to be participating enough. You say you try to, but I’d love to be a fly on the wall and observe.
EACB
Since this keeps happening with different guys, maybe you need to change your approach. Listen less and talk more. Be less passive and be more up front about what you want. Most men don’t mind at all if you take charge, and if they do, move on, because they are not what you want.
EMPRESSETHEL
A lot of social skills have been disappearing, but here’s one: If a guy goes on and on about himself and does not ask you questions about yourself or appear very interested in your life, do not date him. What you see early on is what you’ll get. Instead, look for a guy who has more skills and less self-centeredness.
JIVEDIVA
Maybe instead of waiting for the buddy speech/vibe, choose to no longer waste your time on people who don’t show an interest in you. You don’t have to stick around in the hopes that the conversation will turn to you. Oh, and if this happens often, evaluate how you go about picking men to date.
DANGLEPARTICIPLE
Attraction is perceptible on dates or during any interaction. You need to learn to pick up on nonverbal cues, flirting, intuition, body language. Eye contact, touching hands, laughing, sexual innuendos, follow-up contact after a meet-up, etc. Seems like you are not experiencing any of that “potential boyfriend stuff ” but continue to interact with males as a sounding board (bored) and wingman. Set boundaries and maybe flip the script; explain to these men that you are actively searching for a romantic relationship and perhaps they have friends that would be a good match.