My friend saw him on a dating app. He said it was his twin.
Q. I’ve been dating a guy for nine months. We met through a dating app.
At first, things seemed great. He was asking questions and messaging me consistently. He told me he’s been divorced for four years and had three kids with the same woman. He said he was looking to settle down and wanted a committed relationship.
Months went by, and I never felt he was interested in meeting my family or friends — or vice versa. Most of our dates consisted of me seeing him late at night because of his work schedule.
Then, a month ago, after eight months of dating, one of my good friends saw him on a dating app. I confronted him and he said it was his twin brother who was “clowning” him. To make matters worse, I started to become suspicious of his loyalty, and searched and found out that he finalized his divorce at the end of last year, but all along he told me he was divorced, not separated. When I confronted him, he said the court order was about his kids — a “temporary order,” whatever that meant.
I feel like he waters down his replies. When I confront him about lies, I feel like he gaslights me and says things like: “Sorry YOU feel that way,” “I’m not going to prove anything to you,” or “You don’t have to believe me; I’m done explaining myself.” He denied the dating app situation and the court thing. I have strong feelings for him and I know I need to find the courage to leave, but I don’t know how.
SUSPICIOUS
A. Well, you know you have to walk away — which is great. I thought I was going to have to spend much of my response telling you why you shouldn’t stick around for someone who doesn’t want to have a respectful conversation.
But you’re aware, so this is more about how to let go.
You are one of many letter writers who knows what they have to do, but can’t manage to do it for some reason. I don’t judge this, by the way. There are lots of things I need to do in life, and I tend to jump to the easy stuff first — the tasks that bring the fastest rewards. Breaking up with this person will help you in the long run, but those first few days and weeks will be unpleasant. There’s not a lot of incentive to change your life right now.
If you fear loneliness and are concerned about how it will feel to miss him, start this process by filling your schedule. It’s easier to let go of someone when you have 10 things to look forward to. A trip. A night out. A class. A goal (like running a 5K … or building something). Arrange for a packed mid-March/April, and then you’ll know you have a buffer.
I’d do the breakup right before a trip to see a friend. Start making calls to see who can host. If you have concerns about being able to say the words to him, write a script and don’t feel weird about reading it when you see him in person. It doesn’t look cool, but frankly, who cares? It’s important that the message is clear.
If he tells you this is your issue and that you can get over it, have a line ready — one you can repeat. “I appreciate the thought, but I’ve already made this decision, and I hope we both can respect each other — and wish the best for each other — as we move on.” (Whatever sounds right to you.)
You do have the courage to do this. You just need a plan — and other activities for later. So get to it.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
You say your feelings for him are holding you back, but you gloss over how his behavior makes you feel. Doesn’t it make you angry? If a partner ever treated me that way, I’d be furious. You ask how to leave him, but this may be less about what to do and more about listening to and acknowledging your own anger.
TERMINATER5
Sometimes when you want something badly enough, it’s easy to be blind to the negatives that most others might find obvious (guilty, Your Honor). You should want more for yourself.
JOEYMAMA
There’s no easy way to walk away from someone you care about, but you just have to do it and don’t look back or rethink the decision. Look for a better guy.
FREEADVICEFORYOU
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/ loveletters.