Their breakup broke the friend group
Q. I’m in a tricky situation with two close friends (Jane and John, fake names). Jane and John dated for a few years before Jane broke up with John unexpectedly last year due to incompatibility. John was heartbroken, but understood where she was coming from. He seemed to process the breakup quickly, though I’m sure he still struggles.
Jane, on the other hand, seems to be struggling a lot with the breakup, despite the fact that she initiated it, that she told me she didn’t regret it, and that she’s in a new relationship with a much more compatible man. It’s important to note that Jane and John have a lot of mutual friends (myself included), so these friends will often host parties and invite both of them (with a heads up that the other person is coming).
John has never expressed issues to me about Jane coming, only that he needs a heads up so he can mentally prepare to see her. Jane, however, complains to me and other girlfriends that she’s uncomfortable with John being there, and that everyone should understand that (with the implication that John shouldn’t be invited to these parties anymore). I’ve told her that it’s not up to her to decide who gets invited, but people will understand if she doesn’t come because of him, since that is a boundary that she can enforce/something she can control. But she argues that she shouldn’t have to give up her time to see her friends at the party just because of him, and that it seems like the hosts are choosing his comfort over her comfort.
John, being the sweet man he is, said he’s OK with not going to parties if she’s truly uncomfortable, but I told him it’s not his responsibility to do that because he is just as entitled to going as she is. We’re all adults and can handle our emotions (though some of us can handle it more than others). I love both Jane and John, as they’re very dear to me and I’ve known them for a long time, even before they started dating. I refuse to give up a relationship with either of them, and I expressed that to Jane multiple times. I’ve suggested to Jane to get therapy because there’s only so much support and advice that I can offer, but she refuses. This is not the first time we’ve had conversations like this, and as much as I love Jane, it’s getting mentally draining to have the same conversation over and over again with no changes.
How can I navigate being friends with two people who previously dated? How can I help her process this breakup without making it seem like I’m choosing sides?
DRAINING A. I’ll call this a Love Letters question by association — which I welcome. We need more letters about how our friendships and romantic lives work (or don’t) at the same time. When someone falls in or out of love, a bunch of people are affected.
All friend groups are different, but in my own community I’ve noticed that there are fewer big group gatherings asI get older. There’s less free time for people to hang out all at once.
Even if there is time, it can be overwhelming. People who might have seen each other in packs of 10 wind up making plans in pairs so they can really talk. The ones who have kids might see each other at weird times, and with their children.
Sometimes divorce makes it less comfortable for a group to hang out like they used to. Your situation doesn’t involve the end of a marriage, but … it’s similar. Friend groups have to adapt to change. Everything from breakups, to someone moving, to a member of the group having less time to party because of work or caregiving responsibilities.
I understand why Jane feels bad about seeing her ex. Even though she initiated the breakup, there might be grief, guilt, and other complicated feelings. It makes sense that she wants some space. But yeah, you can tell her that shifting is inevitable. It won’t be like this forever, and then it will change again.
I think you can help both friends by planning some group outings with Jane, and others with John. There will have to be smaller get togethers with different people.
Stop the spiral conversations about what’s fair and focus on how to hang out so it works. Tell Jane it’s OK that it’s not the same — because it shouldn’t be.
Also, maybe it’s time for Jane to host some parties of her own.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Start doing the following: Tell Jane one more time that both of them are being invited and she can deal with it or not. You aren’t listening to any more complaining. The next time she complains, tell her you aren’t participating and literally walk away or hang up the phone or remove yourself from the text conversation. ASH
It’s natural to have grief or uncomfortable feelings after a breakup; however, Jane sounds like she’s being very self-involved and cannot expect for an entire friend group’s plans to be catered around her and her feelings. She needs to adapt or not come to the parties. Friend groups will naturally grow and change with time. If it’s not working for Jane anymore (because of her own doing) then she doesn’t need to be a part of the larger group and can maintain the individual friendships she want to.
MEDIUM BAGGAGE
Stop giving them the heads up. Tell them that they should both prepare for the fact that the other could be at any event since they are both your friends and leave the rest between them. Playing into all the tiptoeing is maintaining the weird dynamic and false responsibility on all the friends to keep the peace when it’s really no one’s business aside from theirs. Let them know you care about them but that you can’t be put in the middle anymore so you won’t continue having conversations with them about the other person. Then, whoever continues to push that boundary no longer gets an invite.
BONECOLD
When Jane starts up just shrug and say, “Yeah, breakups are hard.” Then move on. PHILONIA