Turns out, she’s engaged
Q. I have a huge crush on this woman. She’s absolutely dropdead gorgeous — and I mean stunning. I thought she might like me back, and I had a lot of faith that she did.
However, after hanging out with her a couple of times, I was with her and then she mentioned “in-laws” — and then I asked if she was married, and she said she was engaged. I couldn’t believe my ears!
It’s been almost half a year since meeting her, and I’m still carrying a torch for her. Also, I now have a thing for some of her friends.
There’s a lot going through my head right now.
Should I try to date her friends if I know I also have feelings for her? Or should I hope for a chance she might like me back, despite her getting married soon? I wonder about trying polyamory or an open relationship — us being together while she’s also with her soon-to-be husband.
I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure any of her friends are right for me. One has a child (I don’t have children). What is the best decision in this situation?
OPEN A. It sounds like you have big feelings for this woman, and lukewarm feelings for her friends. If the woman suddenly became single, you’d want to drop everyone else. That’s why I wouldn’t pursue anyone in her community. You’re better off dating strangers through apps.
It might help to extract yourself from this group. It revolves around a woman who’s about to get married. Instead of spending most of your social time trying to get closer to her (and imagining ways you could work around her commitment), you could be making new connections.
Maybe you want to keep these people in your life, but can you minimize how much you give them?
Also know this: Even if your crush showed up at your place tomorrow with a proposal for polyamory, it doesn’t seem like that’s what you’d want. All parties have to be very on board for that kind of relationship. The structure has to make sense. Your real wish is for her to be single. That’s not happening right now — or ever, if she gets the life she wants.
I’m sorry the start of this relationship was confusing. You didn’t get the chance to stop the crush before it started. I suppose you’ve learned that one of the great ways to start a romance (or shift gears) is to ask, “Are you single?” or some similar question.
You got the information late, but you have it. Stop strategizing and scheming. Use your energy to figure out how to date someone you’ve never met.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
This woman is getting married because she’s in love with another man. The suggestion of polyamory and/or an open relationship is unrealistic, but fantasies will do that. Certainly you can pursue her friends, but you’re saying they’re not right for you, and I’m wondering if that’s just your way of trying to create more connection with her. You’ve wasted six months of mental energy on this and that’s enough, seek another relationship outside this group.
JIM501
Don’t date any of her friends either since you’re clearly not interested in any of them, you say you are just to keep her close.
LEFTYLUCY7
There’s an odd sense of entitlement in your letter. As though friendliness means romance is owed, and as though you having a crush means it’s unthinkable that she’d already be with someone else. It shouldn’t be that shocking that a person you just met and find charming is already taken . ... With any of the other friends, you’re not making a choice to date them — you’d be asking if they’re interested first and foremost, and that answer might be no.
BONECOLD
Part of being an adult is learning to accept disappointment and not feel entitled to everything you want. There are lots of attractive women out there. You don’t need to stick with the first one you see and convince her to make you her side dish.
DANGLEPARTICIPLE
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.