Let’s talk about sex — with our partners — says ‘sex nerd’ and author Emily Nagoski
If sex educator and author Emily Nagoski could remove one word from the larger conversation about what makes for a satisfying sex life, it would be “spark.” Some people will say you need intimacy to keep that so-called spark alive, she said in a recent phone interview from her Easthampton home. others will say you need distance.
“But then you look at the research on people who actually successfully sustain a strong sexual connection. they don’t talk about spark. they talk about pleasure,” she said. “Desire just is kind of beside the point.”
this is the foundation of Nagoski’s new book, “come together: the Science (and Art!) of creating lasting Sexual connections,” which came out in january. the idea for the book developed when the self-proclaimed “sex nerd,” who has a PhD in health behavior, needed better advice than she could already give herself.
Nagoski was working as the director of wellness education at Smith college in Northampton when she published her first book, “come as You Are,” which introduced readers to the concepts of spontaneous desire (which emerges in anticipation of pleasure) versus responsive desire (which arises in response to pleasure).
most people learn that “desire is ‘supposed’ to be spontaneous,” so they feel like something’s wrong with them if they don’t experience spontaneous desire, Nagoski wrote in “come as You Are.” She suggested that instead of looking at lack of spontaneous desire as a problem to be fixed, people try to place themselves in the contexts that would allow them to experience pleasure, and let desire follow.
“She is so incredibly validating,” Newburyport-based psychologist jill Stoddard said in a phone interview. in response to people internalizing myths about sexuality and intimacy, Nagoski “just sort of continues to repeat the message, whatever it is you have going on? Yes, that’s normal,” said Stoddard, who recently interviewed Nagoski for the podcast “Psychologists off the clock.”
But amid the stress of the “come as You Are” book tour, Nagoski had trouble following her own advice about pleasure, the author said, and laughed. “You put your body in the bed. You let your skin touch your partner’s skin. And a lot of the time, what happens is your body goes ‘oh, right! this is a great idea!’
“But what would happen for me is i would cry and fall asleep,” said Nagoski, who has been married to cartoonist Rich Stevens since 2011.
So she turned her attention to research on couples rather than individuals, including the findings in “magnificent Sex: lessons from Extraordinary lovers” by canadian sexologists Peggy kleinplatz and A. Dana ménard. What she found turned into “come together,” and “made the entire mainstream conversation about sex and long-term relationships irrelevant,” she said.
Nagoski found three uniting factors in partnerships that maintain long-term sexual connections, which she includes in the introduction of “come together.” first, those partners are friends who trust and admire each other. Second, they decide that sex matters in their relationship. And third, they prioritize what works for them over others’ opinions about what sex is supposed to be like.
And those people don’t talk about spark, desire, or “spicing things up,” she said. they talk about “pleasure, authenticity, vulnerability, empathy, exploration.”
they also talk about chores, like dishes and laundry, because if they’re stressing about household tasks, that’s a common barrier to “transitioning your brain into a playful, loving, or curious, exploratory state” that allows for pleasure. Everyone’s obstacles of this sort are different, she said. they can include “stuff like childcare. Worrying about being interrupted or overheard. making sure you have enough time set aside, so you don’t feel rushed.”
to get started on removing those barriers, however, couples have to talk openly about what they want — which can be its own hurdle. “A lot of people find it easier to have sex with someone than to talk to that same person about the sex they’re having,” she said. “People are worried that if they talk about what they want, their partner will respond with shock and horror, or they’re worried that their partner’s feelings will be hurt. And in both cases, it’s kind of contrary to the goal.”
Stoddard predicted the way that Nagoski “dispels the myths about what makes for a good sexual connection” would help many people. “it’s not the frequency. it’s not the novelty,” she said, contrasting Nagoski’s insights with other, similar books aimed at couples. What matters, said Stoddard, is “creating a context where you both like the sex you’re having.”
“one of the myths that i want to eradicate from the face of the earth is the idea that if you have to talk about it, that automatically means there’s something wrong,” Nagoski said.
“the couples who have great sex lives talk about it all the time.”
‘A lot of people find it easier to have sex with someone than to talk to that same person about the sex they’re having.’
EMILY NAGOSKI, Easthampton-based sex educator