My husband isn’t brushing his teeth

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Q. Longtime reader here and I used to attend some of your events pre-COVID when I lived in Boston. Oh, the days of being a single gal in the city are a fond memory of mine. But alas … here is my conundrum.

I have been married for a few years now, and we have a young child. I know that intimacy can be challenging with a young child, but what if the issue is more related to my husband’s personal hygiene/health? He hasn’t been to the dentist in years. He also only brushes his teeth in the morning, and never brushes them at night, even when I ask. When I say anything, I’m just being difficult.

I even try to bring it up out of concern for his health and well-being for the sake of our child, in very neutral tones and not in the bedroom. I’m always met with resistance. Also, it’s not just the dentist he refuses to see. He hasn’t been to a primary care doctor or eye doctor in years. We have good health insurance, so that’s not a problem.

I guess my question is: Does anyone have advice on how to get a spouse to get regular medical checkups? He’s in his 40s. I’ve tried making appointments for him and he still won’t go. I don’t want to be his mother! And isn’t it normal to brush your teeth at least twice a day?

FEELING LIKE A NAG IN THE SUBURBS

A. We had a question a few months ago from a person whose partner wasn’t going to the doctor. That issue was about anxiety — and how to meet in the middle when it comes to checkups.

Your letter is about hygiene and respect. You don’t want to get into bed with someone who hasn’t brushed their teeth after dinner. (And yes, it is normal to brush your teeth twice a day.)

You didn’t tell us whether this has always been an issue. If it’s a new problem, consider what else might be going on. Sometimes hygiene goes out the window if someone is dealing with depression or stress. Is he engaging with his community? Are you getting along otherwise? How is work? It might help to ask if he’s happy, in general.

No matter what, you can be very honest about what bothers you regarding his nighttime routine. Yes, this is about his health, self-care, etc. But it would be nice for you to end your day feeling comfortable. If he smells like the Cheesecake Factory takeout you had for dinner (projecting here), it might feel icky to be near him. He can do whatever he wants with his body, but he can respect yours by considering what he brings to bed.

This is about sharing. You’re on the same mattress, I assume.

Keep the brushing conversation separate from the doctor talks. You can tell him that as long as he’s keeping you and your child safe, you’re OK. (If he needs to see an eye doctor to feel safe driving your child, he should, of course.)

The teeth stuff is different, and it’s about your experience in your home. If he’s really opposed to a second brushing, ask to go to counseling. Because if he doubles down on that, it seems like something bigger is going on.

I mean, you’re not even asking him to floss.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

These things are important to you, not to him. You can’t make them important to him. You have to decide if these issues are dealbreakers. I think you need to have one discussion: “These things are important to me because … preventive care is easier, cheaper. I don’t want to kiss you when you have bad breath. I don’t want to deal with your sudden, unnecessary death. I love you and want to grow as old as possible with you.” Be up front about the potential consequences to your marriage, using “I” statements. “I can’t be in a marriage where x happens; you don’t have to change, I’m telling you what I will do if it doesn’t.”

ASH

I never understand why some people refuse to do simple things to make themselves more appealing to their partners. I don’t know what your husband’s issues are, only that he’s being a jerk. I wouldn’t kiss that mouth. Ugh.

SEENITTOO

Does he take care of his car? Change the oil regularly? Replace air filters? Go to a mechanic for brake work? Same thing. Preventive maintenance.

WONDERING-ONE

My husband is an environmentally conscious person, which I love about him, but that means he wants to drive his cars into the ground before replacing them even though we can afford to buy new sooner (REDUCE, reuse, recycle). This sometimes caused tension between us because I didn’t feel my kids and I were “safe” in the older cars. We discussed it, but he is his own person; it is not for me to try to force him into getting a new car if that is not how he wants to live his life. So what to do? Control what I can, discuss which car we will take on long family trips, and advocate for what I felt was the safer option.

KWINTERS1

I actually only brush my teeth once a day, but I do it at night. I figured I’ll get them clean for overnight. I don’t see the point of brushing in the morning since I don’t eat anything overnight and I tend to have a cup of tea pretty much first thing and I think the toothpaste taste would interfere with that. This has been working well for me for decades, by the way. Maybe if he wants to continue brushing only once a day, would he be open to doing so at night?

KIDJU

^That’s not really good. Regardless of whether you eat overnight, plaque is always building up and there is bacteria in that plaque. That bacteria causes acid and that acid is what is eating away your enamel. It doesn’t have to be “before bed” but you should brush twice per day. I should add: “but it’s your mouth so you can decide how you take care of it.”

JSMUS

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