Saw my friend’s wife on a dating app
Q. This is an odd one because it’s not really my issue with dating.
I have been using the dating apps and have not had a ton of luck, but I did run into a rather uncomfortable situation. While on one of the apps I came across a familiar face. I couldn’t pin it down at first but then went to social media and realized it was a friend’s wife.
I don’t know what to do. They are not in any open relationship, and now whenever I go to see them I am going to wonder if she knows that I know. Do I tell my friend, the husband, or do I confront her or do I leave it be?
FAMILIAR FACE A. How close are you with this friend? You don’t seem to know his wife very well. (The fact that you couldn’t place her face tells me that might be the case.)
I wonder if you’re 100 percent sure you know their relationship status.
They might have broken up. They might be open.
It doesn’t sound like she was on there with a fake name, attempting a covert search for extra partners.
Maybe ask this friend how his relationship is going. Then make a decision.
We’ve had versions of this question over the years, and there’s no right answer that makes the letter writer feel good. If you tell your friend what you know, you risk so much. You might lose him because you’re attached to the narrative. If you don’t tell, it might feel like a betrayal.
Find out if the picture is, in fact, this woman (I can’t tell if you’ve ID’d her with 100 percent confidence). If you have a very close friend who knows everyone involved, you could ask that person for advice — and information.
Also, if you took a screenshot of the profile, make sure it’s not some weird AI bot thing. Is there real information on there? Are there a bunch of pics?
In the end, if she’s on there for real, you might want to share. Or not. Your gut (or a closer friend) will guide you.
It’s all messy. Think about what you can live with, and prepare for relationships to change.
(Also, write back about your own relationship life. Sounds like you could talk about those apps.)
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
I was in a similar situation in my 20s. I saw a photo of a very close friend’s boyfriend with another woman I knew from college and confirmed he dated her. I ended up telling my close friend. I thought if it were me, I would want to know. She confronted him, they talked it out, and got engaged. The day before the wedding, he backed out. My point is that my telling her made no difference. I would not say anything. It’s also possible the profile is old and she just never took it down. SAYSWHO
This “friend” sounds more like an acquaintance since you couldn’t immediately place the wife’s face, and I’m guessing you never spend time with him oneon-one. If you were close to the guy, it would make sense to show him and ask him about it, but you’re not. I think it’s safe to say this isn’t your business and you can just deal with wondering when you see them. There’s lots of things one “wonders” without getting answers. Wondering doesn’t entitle you to more information.
BONDCOLD
As Meredith noted, you may not know the details of their relationship. And really, it’s none of your business. I once saw an acquaintance’s husband on a dating app but didn’t say anything because I figured there were issues in their marriage. Sure enough, soon after they divorced and he moved out of state and both he and his ex started dating others. Even if they have an open relationship it might not be something they announce to others. Again, none of anyone’s business. Let the issue go and just be a friend to your friend.
BKLYNMOM
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.