Dating while my biological clock is ticking
Q. I think there might be other people wondering this question, so here it is: I (late 20s, woman) am recovering from a Grand Heartbreak last month after splitting with my boyfriend of years. He just doesn’t know what kind of future he wants, but doesn’t feel strongly about kids, and I want them. Although I am not ready to meet someone else yet, I do feel empowered knowing that I am sure I want kids, and I want to find someone who feels the same. My question is: When dating, how do I find out where people stand on wanting kids early on, before anything gets into serious fallingin-love territory? I fall in love hard, but I am terrified to experience another heartbreak like this if I meet someone else who ends up not wanting kids, or not able to make up their mind. How [can] I be intentional about this in the dating process as I move toward my early 30s?
MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK
IS TICKING A. A nice thing about dating apps: Usually there’s a question that asks whether people want kids.
Some say they don’t — or that they’re “unsure.” You can swipe left on them. Of course, a good portion of those up-in-the-air people might decide they do want to be a parent. Maybe they’re letting people know, with the “unsure,” that they plan to take their time and are not prioritizing children right now. Regardless, you want to find single people who know they want children. Look for the “yes” folks. They’re out there.
What about a non-app first date, you ask? Just talk and maybe it’ll come up. On Date 2 you can chat about dreams for the future (work, travel, kids, everything).
By the way, this is a great time to date without urgency. You’re in your 20s, after all. Yes, you want family to happen sooner than later, but like you said, you’re processing a lot. That’s OK.
Give yourself time to get over the Grand Heartbreak. If you don’t take the weeks/months/years(?) you need to figure out who you are after the loss, you’ll mess up the next thing. Acknowledge the clock, but pace yourself. Keep us posted, of course.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
I dated someone for a long time, despite knowing he didn’t want kids (ever). I knew I eventually did want kids. We were enjoying our time together and I wasn’t ready for kids right then anyway. In my late 20s I knew I couldn’t stay in that relationship and we broke up; it hurt big time. But now he is married and childless and enjoying his life of not spending his money on raising kids, doing whatever he and his wife want, not tied down by kid routines and school schedules, etc. I am married with two amazing children. It worked out for the best for both of us.
KWINTERS1
I didn’t think I wanted kids until I was in my mid to late 30s and I met my husband. Realized it was not that I didn’t want kids before, I just didn’t want to have kids with the guys I dated before.
TALKISCHEAP2
I used to think my biological clock was ticking in my 20s as well, and I would just kind of hope the guys I dated also wanted kids (I did usually swipe left on people’s profiles who were adamant about not wanting to have kids up front to try and not waste time from the get-go). Surprisingly, the general question about whether someone wanted kids ended up not being too hard to ask. Wasn’t usually a first date thing, but there’s nothing wrong with asking the general question. If, in general, they do want kids, great, but as you get to know and date a person, you will also see if this person would, in fact, be the type of father you’d want your kids to have. Do their values line up with yours? Do they want more or less kids than you, or expect you to stay home with them? Many things to answer. Ultimately, I found my now-husband and father to my kid (plus one on the way!) at 32, and [was] married and pregnant at 35. My clock turned out to still be working just fine, even if it was a little later than I had originally envisioned at first. But I’m with the right person and he is the best dad.
THE GOODPLACE20
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