Chaz Ebert — yes, that Ebert — wants you to give a FECK
She has a new book that’s a self-help guide — and a philosophical statement
before i came to the Globe, i wrote for rogerebert.com for 11 years. in that time, i received a lot of advice from chaz Ebert and her late husband, roger. And not just about movies — i learned life lessons as well. So i was excited to talk to the cEo of Ebert Digital about her new book, “it’s time to Give a fEck.” it’s part self-help guide, part workbook, and part philosophical statement.
Ebert seeks to elevate humanity through a series of principles she defines throughout the book — each of which is accompanied by worksheets to help put these principles into effect.
the author sat down in chicago with the Globe to discuss “fEck” and offer a bit of advice. bostonians can meet the author at hummingbird books thursday.
Q. let’s talk about “giving a fEck!” my editor is going to have a heart attack when she reads that, so let’s clarify. What are “the fEck principles” that make up your book?
A. “fEck” is very different from that other four-letter f-word. my four-letter f-word means love. it is an acronym for forgiveness, empathy, compassion, and kindness.
Q. the hardest one of those principles for me is “forgiveness.” i’m from New Jersey, and we know how to hold a grudge. Which one would you say is the most difficult?
A. forgiveness. that’s a biggie — it’s so hard for people to let go of a grudge, to release someone from an egregious act, even if it was done unintentionally. And that’s why we put it first. When i spoke with Archbishop Desmond tutu in South Africa, he told me that without forgiveness, nothing else really matters. And when he and Nelson mandela were putting together the truth and reconciliation commission, he said he lost friends over it because they didn’t want them to forgive some of the people who did really evil things under the apartheid system.
bishop tutu told me there needed to be a path to redemption. for example, if someone had remorse, and they confessed [to a wrongdoing].
[in the book] i talked about a movie called “Disturbing the peace” that we showed at Ebertfest. it was about israelis and palestinians who put down their arms and formed a group called combatants for peace. When i saw that movie, i realized that forgiveness is so big. We don’t always have to forgive in a big way; we can have small acts of forgiveness.
Q. let’s talk about empathy. You dedicate the book to roger. Was he one of the inspirations as you were putting together your principles?
A. Well, for me, the “E” also stands for “Ebert.” because it was roger who said that movies are a machine that generates empathy. And the programs we endowed had to do with empathizing with people who were different from us. putting yourself in the shoes of someone of a different age, race, gender, or socioeconomic class makes you want to alleviate their suffering. You develop compassion for other people when you see some of the challenges they’ve gone through.
Q. the book talks about not only having compassion for others, but also for yourself. Why is it so important to have self-compassion?
A. When you’re on an airplane, they tell you to put your own [oxygen] mask on first before helping others, right? to me, that’s what self-compassion is. At one time, people thought self-care was selfish. it’s not! because if you don’t fill up your own reserves, you won’t have enough to do acts of compassion for others.
Q. finally, there’s kindness. You wrote that “kindness is the knot that ties all the fEck principles together.” how so? A. once you have found it in your heart to forgive someone, then you put yourself in their shoes and ask, “ok, what was it like to be that person at that time? What did they do that i failed to understand?” And then you develop some compassion for them. kindness is the action step. the other three are more feeling-based.
Q. there are exercises that allow readers to put each of the fEcks into action. how did you come up with these? A. i think that journaling is helpful, that meditation is helpful, and that prayer is helpful. So the worksheets are a combination of all those things to help guide people on how to apply these principles in their own lives.
Q. i felt terrible writing in your book! A. [laughs] i don’t like writing in books, either! but enough people do! i’ve been told that readers love those sections.
Q. i must admit i am not a self-help book person at all. i’m grumpy, jaded, and cynical. but your book really affected me. You have an anecdote about how saying hello to people can engender a sense of fulfillment in the person who does that. And yet, when i do that, a lot of people pretend i’m invisible. it makes me so angry sometimes. i guess my desire for reciprocation means i’m violating the fEck principles!
A. i am so glad that you asked that question! i actually wasn’t going to put that part in the book. i thought people would think, “this is so trivial.” but then i found scientific studies that said we actually increase our well-being by doing something as simple as saying hello and smiling. Saying hello and smiling can be contagious.
Now, i have to tell you that, when you do it, don’t expect it in return. i would like for you to think that, if it’s not returned by that one person, it’s not necessarily malicious. You don’t know what that person is going through that day, or what they are going to be facing in a few minutes. So, forgive them for not smiling back. And keep saying hello to people.
Chaz Ebert will discuss “It’s Time to Give a FECK: Elevating Humanity Through Forgiveness, Empathy, Compassion, and Kindness” 7 p.m. Thursday at Hummingbird Books. Free;
RSVP required.