Readers respond: There are ways to talk to family and friends who support Trump
About a month ago, I asked readers whether they had found a way to persuade family members or friends to reconsider their support for Donald trump, who by trying to overturn the legitimate results of the 2020 presidential election proved himself a threat to American democracy.
I also asked if they were involved with organizations that help bluestate residents reach out to swingstate citizens, and if so, which they would recommend as well-run and effective.
scores of readers responded, but while many had suggestions on the second topic — suggestions I’ll present in a later column — the majority professed failure and frustration when it came to the first.
they had tried, but it was hopeless, most said. some lamented close friendships that had tumbled into the grand trump canyon. Others said they had stopped going to family gatherings because of trump-centered tensions, or refrained from political conversations at those get-togethers.
but despite the prevailing pessimism about the possibilities of persuasion, others felt they had made some progress, at least on the margins, with some of their pro-trump friends and relatives.
“my approach is to list all the people trump hired or worked with in his administration that will not endorse and/or vote for trump now,” wrote Jim Norton, a retired resident of hull. the long list of trump administration alums who have made it clear that they won’t support trump again runs to more than a dozen and includes such well-known figures as former vice president mike Pence, longest-serving chief of staff John kelly, two former secretaries of defense — Jim mattis and mark esper — former white house attorney ty Cobb, and former national security adviser John bolton. strangely, though former attorney general william barr has said trump “knew well that he had lost the election” and doesn’t belong “anywhere near the Oval Office,” he now says he will cast a reluctant 2024 vote for his former boss in November.
sarah Dylan breuer, 54, of boston, a writer and a former youth minister and college religious-studies instructor, said she had had some success with trump-supporting relatives by bringing up their previous criteria for what makes for a good public official and then asking how those standards apply to current candidates. she doesn’t start with trump, she noted, but brings him up after they’ve discussed several others. he, it hardly needs to be said, doesn’t meet their professed benchmarks.
but breuer offered this caveat: that has to be done in a nonconfrontational, non-accusatory, non-shaming way.
“An ‘I’m right and you’re wrong, and here are data points illustrating the superiority of my case approach’ will not work,” she said. “As anyone who’s been clergy knows, people tend to only be able to change their minds about something important when they don’t feel immediately threatened. trump’s whole strategy is to make as many people as possible feel threatened. Countering that requires serious emotional intelligence and a relationship of trust and mutual respect and caring, and an approach that allows people to change their minds without feeling shame about it.”
Peter Reilley, a former Republican, of londonderry, N.h., says he has made some headway by arguing against trump on character grounds and in a questioning way.
“trump has gone bankrupt four or six times (who’s counting?),” wrote the retired engineer. “I ask: would you invest your retirement savings with trump? would you want your daughter to hang around trump? would you mind being cheated out of your vote? I tell them that trump tried to cheat me out of my vote.”
Joan stack kovach, a retired psychiatric nurse from the south shore, takes a keep-the-lines-of-communication-open approach to dealings with trump supporters.
“I believe that it is a sort of psychic injury that forces folks into supporting trump,” she wrote. “these are folks who feel, consciously or not, that they got a bad deal somewhere in life, and the rhetoric spewed from trump speaks to their injured souls. so when I find myself in conversation with them, I listen for the injury and relate to them on that level.”
her hope: “maybe feeling heard will help them listen more closely to the facts out there.”
kathleen, 77, a retired nurse practitioner from Cambridge, said that with a family member and trump-supporting friends, she stresses that she believes the United states needs more unity — a resonant theme with conservatives — and “that another trump presidency will not unify us,” but rather “seriously weaken our democracy.”
gary, a just-retired boston-area hotel executive, has started a text group “of respectful friends, peers, and intimates,” which currently has 11 members ranging in age from 22 to 70 and in ideology from “moderate progressives like me” to hard-core trump supporters. each of the members has a right to bring others into the group, as long as they respect the civil tenor of the discussion.
“we all just text in when we feel the need to raise awareness with each other,” he said. Although there has been some attrition among the initial trump members, gary reports that the other trump backers regularly engage with the group and that at least one has acknowledged worries about backing trump “as he gets crazier and rants.”
bob, 72, a former management consultant from shirley, recounted using his own history of not having voted for a Democrat for president in half a century to advance his arguments against trump with moderate Republicans.
Called a “hater by a longtime acquaintance … after making a critical comment about trump,” bob “explained that I had not voted for a Democrat for president since 1972, and although I didn’t vote for trump in 2016, I was willing to give him a chance to apply his business skills to the job. but after about a year, he had shown us who he really is, and I could never vote for him.”
Ryan, 47, from Andover, said he finds the most productive way to grease the skids for his efforts at persuasion with trump-supporting friends is by acknowledging there’s validity to some of their concerns, such as the physical advantage transgender athletes have in competing in girls’ and women’s sports. Or the situation at the southern border.
“to some degree, admit that Dems were wrong about the border,” he wrote. “Frame it as ‘trump is just so awful that too many Dems by default were against everything that he did. but trump is occasionally right about some things, and one of those things, to some degree, was the southern border. I’m glad to see that the Dems have come around on that. too bad the border bill didn’t pass.’ [wink, wink].” why those winks? because a bipartisan senate group, led by conservative Republican border hawk James lankford of Oklahoma, had put forward a tough border security bill, only to have trump tell his political allies to oppose it so the border would remain a campaign issue in the fall.
Peter, 75, a retired financial services specialist from Cape Cod, also counseled making some concessions.
“where I have had limited success is speaking softly, listening to their point of view, and, wait for it, sometimes agreeing with them,” he wrote. “that really gets them off their guard. by choosing nonessential areas where we can agree, I have also been able to get them to agree with me on more essential areas. It isn’t perfect, but it is the only way I know of having an intelligent conversation with people who are so diametrically different from myself.”
steven, a scientist from lexington, doesn’t focus on enumerating bad things about trump but rather in changing their view of biden.
“I don’t think at this point it’s possible to convince trump supporters not to support him by pointing out all the bad about trump. they’ve already been exposed to that evidence, ad infinitum, and have chosen to discard it,” he wrote. “I do think it might be possible to convince them, however, that biden is better than they realize. the reality is that biden has faced more crises than probably any other president in recent history, and generally he’s handled them pretty well.”
Although there’s no magic wand here, I hope readers find these ideas helpful. From my own experience with several friends, I’d say this. Don’t expect miracles, but don’t give up, either. when it comes to trump, you never know when the scales will drop or when someone will say, enough is enough, I just can’t take him anymore.
And even if you don’t succeed, you at least have the solace of knowing that you tried.