A Boston therapist assumed gay sons and their moms had strong bonds. Then he heard more of their stories.
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Rick Miller, a psychotherapist who runs the storytelling project Gay sons & Mothers, admits that when he was growing up in Connecticut, he used to say with great confidence, “Mommy loves me best.”
from an early age, he had a special connection with his mother, suzanne. she influenced his interests, his confidence, his style — even how he posed in photos (one knee out and to the side).
After Miller grew up and became a therapist, he’d hear similar things from clients. Gay men often talked about their strong bond with their moms, and about how that relationship was more important than any other, even when it wasn’t perfect.
that’s why in 2017, after 35 years of working as a clinician, Miller decided to write a feelgood article about gay sons and moms.
“I just assumed everyone had the exact same relationship with their mom that I did,” he said. “A few times in my therapy practice, gay men would bring their mothers in for family sessions, and it’s like: they look, talk, and act alike. Everything makes so much sense.”
Miller did a callout for what he assumed would be mostly heart-warming stories for his article, and found, quickly, that it wasn’t so simple. the relationships men had had with their mothers were all over the map — some helpful, some abusive, some nonexistent.
As he interviewed more people, he realized there was more work to do — and that he needed to work on something much bigger than a story.
“I started a nonprofit, knowing I wanted to work on a documentary,” he said. “fortunately I’ve connected with people from different races, cultures, countries — people with different issues and problems. It’s been amazing.”
After interviewing a few dozen mothers and sons — some separately, some together — Miller has come to some big conclusions about the bond. the biggest? Gay men said their relationships with their mothers, reand gardless of the quality, were the most formative in their lives.
Miller will explain more — and other findings — when he speaks as part of a Mother’s Day panel after saturday’s performance of “A strange Loop” at the
Calderwood Pavilion’s Wimberly theatre. the musical is about a gay black man in a loop of thoughts about his experiences, hopes, dreams, and disappointments. It explores his complicated relationship with the world his art. Joining Miller on the panel will be Gay sons & Mothers board members Patricia Arredondo and Blanca Leos, “A strange Loop” director Maurice Emmanuel Parent, and Jean Dolin, a founder of Boston LGBtQ+ Museum of Art, history and Culture.
“there’s a very strong story line about the lead character and his mother,” said speakEasy artistic programs manager Alex Lonati, who said Miller can speak to how usher, the show’s main character, sees his mother as a source of support, despite her religion, which asserts that being gay is a sin.
Miller said he’s getting used to talks like this. As a clinician, most of his work has been in an office, behind a closed door. But when he started the Gay sons & Mothers project, he began talking to people out in the world, and more publicly. since 2017, he’s interviewed moms and sons from Boston to California, even in salt Lake City where he interviewed Mama Dragons, a group of Mormon moms who support gay kids. he said that group of interviews was among the most memorable and important.
“I went into this with a preconceived East Coast notion about what these mothers would be, and they were anything but that,” he said.
Miller films as many interviews as he can, and has had volunteers analyze the data with him, using the stories to identify trends in experiences. he hopes to have a short version of his documentary later this year. the research, he says, is embedded in the narratives.
the most unexpected takeaway from the work so far, Miller said, has been who it centers. While many of the men he’s interviewed have talked to therapists, friends, organizations, “and Grindr” about their experiences as a gay person growing up in the world, moms have often stayed silent. he said many of the moms assumed they’d failed their sons in some way, but learned, during the interviews, that their children felt differently.
“for example, a high school kid was with his mother, and he said to me, ‘she’s the most important person in my world. I just love her to death.’ And she was like, ‘oh my God, I had no idea.’”
Miller said that when he interviewed his own husband and his husband’s mother, he made similar discoveries. “I interviewed her with him when she was 93 years old. she said her friends used to ask her if they thought [he] was gay, and if she cared, and she said, ‘If he’s gay, so what?’ Basically told the friends [expletive] off. Yeah. he was in his 60s, sitting there, and had never known this before and felt this immense appreciation.”
Miller said he’s still taking stories, and any moms and sons are welcome to reach out. some submissions wind up on the organization’s Instagram, which has become a gallery of moms and sons. one photo from April features Dolin and his mother. the end of the caption reads: “the greatest gift God could have given me was to be brought into the world by you.”
SpeakEasy Stage Company hosts “Mom, Thanks for Helping Me Become Me: A Mother’s Day Panel Discussion” after the 2 p.m. performance of “A Strange Loop” on Saturday at the Wimberly Theatre, Calderwood Pavilion, Boston Center for the Arts. 617-933-8600, www.BostonTheatreScene.com