There’s a good reason she didn’t respond
Q. I spend some time on an online forum and come across interesting folks from time to time. It’s almost always just online, and just a comment and a response or two, or just likes/dislikes.
Early this year, someone responded and we went back and forth. We exchanged some semi-personal information, and she mentioned she was quite close geographically. We switched to a more personal messaging service, and I asked for a face pic. She demurred and sent a body shot instead. The picture was hot, and I responded with a similar faceless picture of me. We kept exchanging faceless pictures.
Things were heating up, and I sent a face picture. She stopped communicating. I waited for a couple of days and asked if she was OK and said I was worried. She said she was busy and needed time to think. We soon stopped messaging.
I was wondering about her, and a few days later looked at all her pictures. A small tattoo in one picture at the back of her neck now looked very familiar. Looking at her body more closely made me realize who she was, and I knew why she stopped communicating.
We have had no family events recently, but my parents and relatives are bound to host events this spring and summer and I cannot avoid her forever. The cousins and their wives and families are bound to be invited, and it is going to be awkward. Should I reach out to her and talk to her and try to laugh it away or just pretend I do not know it was her when I meet her?
REd-FACEd IN BOSTON A. I’m thinking of the “30 Rock” episode where Liz Lemon goes on a date with a perfect guy, until she asks, “Why do you have a picture of my great aunt on your coffee table?,” and he’s like, “Your great aunt? No, that’s my grandmother’s cousin.” Then they stare at each other and decide the date is over.
I don’t know whether you realized this was a cousin or a cousin’s spouse (I assume the latter would be a different problem). If it were me, at the next family event I’d say, “It’s so great to see you!” Then I’d move on.
She doesn’t know you Id’d her, right?
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That was your private sleuthing, and for all you know she’s going to wear a big scarf to hide her tattoo the next time you see her. do her a favor and make it simple. Be nice and normal, whatever that means. Say nothing unless she brings it up.
I’m trying to find a lesson here for all of us. Like, maybe send a face pic to someone before you send 50 body pics. But honestly, the odds of this happening are low. Well … somewhat low. This is New England, and being from Maryland I’ll tell you … a lot of you (Boston people) do seem to be related in some way, even by marriage.
I love clearing the air with transparency, but it doesn’t always have to happen. You can let an awkward moment just … disappear.
Also, delete those photos. Now.
MEREdITH
READERS RESPOND:
Two things. First, do you actually know for a fact it’s someone you know? Because there are other reasons she sent faceless pictures — and one is that you are being catfished. Either way, I highly suggest you pretend this never happened. There is no way to make this not awkward. If she says something to you, clear the air, but really, it’s possible you are wrong about who this is. Stop exchanging faceless pictures with people you don’t know. If you want to date, you’re going to have to go out and, you know, meet them
If you know a few events are coming up that she’d likely attend, it might be best to make other plans for them, and start going back when this isn’t so fresh. definitely don’t bring it up. If she wanted to talk through it, she wouldn’t have ghosted you. I can’t imagine what could be gained by forcing that out into the open.
BONE COLd
Whatever the situation — female cousin, male cousin’s wife, or whatever else it may be — think about it: Neither one of you really wants the rest of the family to know about your sexting shenanigans with each other or a complete stranger. Just pretend you don’t know it’s her.
THE-BLOG-CONSIGLIERIE
You Boston people seem to all be related? That’s ridiculous. I grew up on the North Shore and didn’t experience this. What area of Boston are you referencing? I live in Maryland now and it’s not much different here, Mere. It’s a rat race, but the drivers are actually worse.
TALKISCHEAP2
^I grew up on the North Shore too, and I laughed at Mere’s observation because it’s true! If not distantly related, everyone at least went to school with everyone else’s cousin or whatever.
STRIPEYCAT
Say nothing, no nodding, no winking. Show up late and leave early. If you think people are close in Boston, try down here in Rhode Island. We all know a guy. KMC11B
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.