My husband is on Tinder
Q. My husband has a Tinder profile. I jumped on his computer to check my grad school email, and the dummy wasn’t even smart enough to have hidden the evidence. I’m devastated, of course. I kept my cool until our kid went to bed and then I got upset. We talked about it, he was remorseful … blah, blah, blah. He was really upset and reiterated that nothing ever happened, and that it was just something he did late at night.
but here’s the thing: He basically uses the conversations as an attention thing to take a self-guided tour, if you will. His profile picture isn’t him, the conversations are pathetic at best, and I honestly believe that nothing happened with any of them. We live in the small town I grew up in and he can’t sneeze without someone at the post office saying bless you. Still, it doesn’t make me feel great about a marriage I thought was doing well for two people who are in it ( jobs, kid, aging parents). I felt like we were a team and had each other’s back.
The real problem is that I am devastated, embarrassed, and angry. I obviously love the fool, but don’t want to get so angry that I make this all worse. At the end of the day, this is a two-way street and I’m clearly not paying enough attention to him personally and otherwise if he has to flirt with randoms online to get the job done.
We’ve been married for 15 years, what I thought was happily, and I just don’t know what to do. I mean, I’m not going to leave him, but I’m basically asking for help on how I can deal with this to heal my marriage instead of ruin it.
UPSET A. Self-guided tours are great (I assume we’re talking about the same thing here).
but engaging with real people on apps to make it happen? That’s complicated — and it sounds like that’s your issue.
The person with whom he’s having “pathetic” conversations might be someone who uses your local post office. Maybe this wouldn’t have been a big deal if instead of Tinder you found a website with pretty pictures and videos.
That might be a more useful conversation for the two of you. What works when it comes to online content? What crosses lines? With some transparency and care, you can come up with boundaries for your private lives. Maybe fake people are fine, but dating app users who can write back are off limits.
Worth mentioning, it’d be better for those Tinder people if your husband cut it out. People say, “Ugh, what if this person I just messaged is actually some guy who looks nothing like his photo and is secretly married.” And apparently that guy might be your husband! We get a zillion letters about dating fatigue and disappointments. Maybe he isn’t thinking about the other side of the experience.
Talk again. Explain what parts of this make you uneasy. Ask what’s missing, but know that no matter how much attention you give him, he might want extra inspiration for his tours. You can also talk about how you take self-guided journeys, for context.
Find out how you can enjoy yourselves on your own without making the other person uncomfortable. It’s possible.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
no suggestion of counseling, Mere? Maybe another talk about how to improve the marriage and the attention they give each other is a good idea, but even asking about counseling will let the husband know how serious you are about (1) his transgression, and (2) your willingness to put in effort to improve the marriage.
BLISTERED-TOE
“I’m clearly not paying enough attention to him personally and otherwise if he has to flirt with randoms online to get the job done.” This is automatically your fault? How much attention has he paid to your satisfaction?
HIKERGALnH128
Don’t automatically blame yourself. He’s a grown adult. If he felt you were ignoring him, he should’ve approached you first to rekindle romance and intimacy. I don’t know how long he’s been doing this or the extent of his tours (whether he’s met anyone), but setting up a profile, even with pictures that aren’t of him, IS a breach in trust. bKLnMOM
My brain works funny. It’s now repeating “a self-guided tour” to itself over and over, but to the tune of the “Gilligan’s Island” theme’s refrain, “a three-hour tour.”
BLISTERED-TOE
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