Sep­a­rated from wife, hus­band fa­thers a kid

The Buffalo News - - LIFE COLUMNS - Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.Con­tact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069.

Dear Abby: My hus­band and I sep­a­rated last year and rec­on­ciled sev­eral months later. When we de­cided to get back to­gether, he broke it off with his girl­friend. A month later she con­tacted him to in­form him that she’s preg­nant with his child. She’s due in a few months.

My hus­band and I dis­agree about how things should be han­dled when the child ar­rives. She says I’m not al­lowed to come to the hos­pi­tal with him and meet the baby. I say that go­ing with­out me is ab­surd, and any child that be­longs to my hus­band is a part of my life, too. How­ever, he says she is in charge of the sit­u­a­tion. I’m wor­ried that when the baby is born I’ll be at home alone with a bro­ken heart. Where should I draw the line with my hus­band?

– Wor­ried Wife In The South

Dear Wor­ried Wife:

For­give me if this seems cyn­i­cal, but is your hus­band

that the baby is his? And, if it is, to what ex­tent does he plan to be in­volved in the child’s life? If he par­tic­i­pates in rais­ing him/her, then you are right, his child will be­come a part of your life. If he de­cides to do no more than write sup­port checks, the im­pact on you will be much less.

Frankly, I don’t blame you for feel­ing wor­ried. If a pa­ter­nity test hasn’t proved he’s the fa­ther of the baby, he should dis­cuss this with a lawyer to in­sist there be one.

Dear Abby:

When I was 19, I lost cus­tody of my three chil­dren to the state. They were adopted out, and I have had no con­tact since. Over the years I tried to find them with­out suc­cess. Re­cently, I found their names and ad­dresses us­ing an­ces­try. com to search their birth records. My son, the old­est, is 18 now, but his sis­ters are only 15 and 16.

I want to write a let­ter to the adop­tive mother, let her know my side of the story and of­fer to open a line of com­mu­ni­ca­tion for her and the kids. Would that be self­ish? What’s the right thing to do here?

I was very young and stupid when I lost my chil­dren. I’m now in my 30s and much wiser. I have lived with this heart­break for 15 years. I don’t want to dis­rupt their lives, but I do want them to have my con­tact in­for­ma­tion if they would like to have it. I know this sit­u­a­tion is del­i­cate. I des­per­ately want to avoid do­ing the wrong thing. Please ad­vise.

– Heart­bro­ken In Florida

Your in­stincts are on tar­get. The best way to ac­com­plish what you have in mind would be to write to the adop­tive mother and al­low her to de­cide what to do with the in­for­ma­tion you give her. Most adopted chil­dren at some point want to know who their birth par­ents were, if only so they can get a com­plete med­i­cal his­tory.

Dear Heart­bro­ken:

ABI­GAIL VAN BUREN

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