Mom saves daugh­ter from vi­o­lent boyfriend

The Buffalo News - - LIFE COLUMNS -

Dear Abby: I am 26. My mom re­cently got my boyfriend sent to jail. We met six months ago. Af­ter a month, he started ver­bally abus­ing me, which pro­gressed to phys­i­cal abuse. Each time I was sure I was about to die.

He is now locked up for kid­nap­ping, false im­pris­on­ment and ag­gra­vated as­sault. Mom had had enough of hear­ing about the abuse and took mat­ters into her own hands. I didn’t want her to call the po­lice be­cause I don’t feel jail is right for peo­ple ex­cept killers.

I un­der­stand she wanted to pro­tect me be­cause I kept go­ing back, but now

I cry ev­ery day wor­ry­ing about if he is safe in jail and won­der­ing how he’s feel­ing. Every­body around me is say­ing I don’t need to worry about him be­cause he didn’t care about how he made me feel. I think it’s heart­less to say that.

I don’t think the cops and my mom took into con­sid­er­a­tion how this would af­fect me men­tally. I’m de­pressed and can’t stop won­der­ing if my boyfriend is OK be­cause I’m a re­ally good and nice per­son, and it sucks. I am go­ing to go to coun­sel­ing be­cause I know I need to do it, but Abby, how do I even­tu­ally not think about him and his well-be­ing and be heart­less like him?

–Hav­ingAHardTimeIn Ge­or­gia

Dear Hard Time

:I be­lieve you are a good and nice per­son, but you are also one who is very mixed up right now. If you think your abuser loved you, you are mis­taken. Men who treat women the way he treated you not only don’t love women, they don’t even like them. Had your mother not done what she did, you could be dead.

If you want an ex­am­ple of what love is, love is do­ing some­thing to help your daugh­ter, know­ing it may alien­ate her for­ever, but do­ing it any­way to save her life. I’m pleased you have agreed to coun­sel­ing be­cause you need it very much.

Dear Abby:

Five months ago, my hus­band and I suf­fered a mis­car­riage. We had been try­ing to have a baby for six years, and we were over the moon ex­cited. We waited 12 weeks to tell any friends or fam­ily, but we ended up hav­ing com­pli­ca­tions and los­ing our lit­tle one at 22 weeks.

My prob­lem is some of our friends. I’m sure they mean well, but they con­tinue to ask if we are try­ing again or if

I’m ex­pect­ing, and some keep in­sist­ing that I’m preg­nant and that I should take a preg­nancy test. It’s soul crush­ing. What can I say when they ask me next time that will stop them from ask­ing in the fu­ture? We will cer­tainly tell them when it hap­pens, but I don’t want to dis­cuss it un­til then.

– Chang­ing The Sub­ject

Please ac­cept my sym­pa­thy for your loss. The most ap­pro­pri­ate way to han­dle these in­tru­sive and in­sen­si­tive ques­tions (and com­ments) would be to tell them ex­actly what you told me in the last sen­tence of your let­ter and re­peat it as nec­es­sary.

Dear Chang­ing:

ABI­GAIL VAN BUREN

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