Texts from ‘old friend’ bother new boyfriend

The Buffalo News - - LIFE COLUMNS -

Dear Abby: I have been see­ing a woman for a year, and ev­ery­thing seemed pretty sweet. She told me when we met that trust is im­por­tant to her as she has had is­sues in past re­la­tion­ships, in­clud­ing with her ex-hus­band, who was see­ing an ex with­out dis­clos­ing it to her.

This week I saw a se­ries of texts pop up on her phone from some­one I have never heard her men­tion. When I asked about it, she said they were from an “old friend.” I found it trou­bling and asked her more about it. She then men­tioned she had been in a ro­man­tic re­la­tion­ship with him many years ago. She also dis­closed that the text ex­change was started be­cause she told him (via text) that she had dreamed about him the night be­fore.

She as­sured me her dream was not ro­man­tic or of a sex­ual na­ture, and her in­tent in reach­ing out wasn’t ro­man­tic. Am I over­re­act­ing?

– Less Trust­ful Now

Dear Less Trust­ful:

If ev­ery­thing has been go­ing well in your re­la­tion­ship with this woman for a year, why are you look­ing at text mes­sages that pop up on her phone? Al­though not all peo­ple would text an ex about his/her ap­pear­ance in a dream, she can text whomever she wishes, and she shouldn’t have to ac­count to you for it.

The two of you need to have a se­ri­ous con­ver­sa­tion about the pa­ram­e­ters of your re­la­tion­ship. The prob­lem may be your in­se­cu­rity, and if you are go­ing to have a suc­cess­ful out­come with any­one, you had bet­ter learn to con­trol it.

Dear Abby:

My step­fa­ther, “Ron,” and my mother fi­nal­ized their divorce a month ago. He has been part of my life for 19 years, since I was 10. He was a grand­fa­ther to my two boys, and be­cause he adopted me when I was 17, I took his last name.

My prob­lem is that two years ago, when Ron left Mom, he cut off all contact with me and my boys. No calls, texts, mes­sages. Noth­ing! I am still com­ing to terms with all of it, and it’s hard to ex­plain to my 7-yearold where his grand­fa­ther is.

Ron was a fa­ther to me af­ter my bi­o­log­i­cal fa­ther passed away. It’s painful to think that he may not have loved me or my boys like I thought he did.

How can a fa­ther/grand­fa­ther do that so eas­ily? What’s worse is his chil­dren (my step-sib­lings) have also cut us off. I have no idea why.

My hus­band thinks I should contact him, but I don’t think I should have to beg some­one to be in my life. What are your thoughts?

– Left In The Dark

Ron may think that be­cause he and your mother are no longer mar­ried, your loy­al­ties lie with her and you don’t want him in your life. I agree with your hus­band. Reach out to him and your step-sib­lings. Tell them you and your chil­dren love them and still want them to be part of your lives. They may need the re­as­sur­ance. And if they still pre­fer to have no contact, you will know you did ev­ery­thing pos­si­ble to keep the re­la­tion­ships in­tact.

Dear Left:

ABI­GAIL VAN BUREN

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