Wife dis­cov­ers many clues to af­fair

The Buffalo News - - LIFE COLUMNS -

Dear Abby: My hus­band went to his 45th class re­union a state away and hooked up with a class­mate. Over the next few months it went from talk­ing and tex­ting to her send­ing him nude pic­tures of her­self.

I found her emails pro­fess­ing her love to him. When I asked him, he swore noth­ing hap­pened be­tween them dur­ing the two weeks he was there other than a lunch date. Af­ter fur­ther in­ves­ti­ga­tion, I have dis­cov­ered they had more than 30 hours of phone con­ver­sa­tions, ex­changed 4,000-plus texts and who knows the num­ber of emails. Not only that, he bought an­other phone so I could no longer see the in­ter­ac­tions on our shared cell ac­count.

He fi­nally ad­mit­ted they did have a sex­ual en­counter. He has now agreed to end all con­tact with her and work on our mar­riage. He has apol­o­gized, but I’m strug­gling to be­lieve him be­cause every time I found damn­ing ev­i­dence, he would make up an­other excuse or blame it all on her.

Is it time to cut my losses, or should I wait to see if he does this again? Why do peo­ple think hav­ing af­fairs is a good thing?

– Con­fused In Mon­tana

Peo­ple who think an af­fair is a good thing for a mar­riage are de­lud­ing them­selves. An af­fair only adds to the prob­lems the cou­ple was try­ing to ig­nore.

It’s time for you and your hus­band to make an ap­point­ment with a li­censed mar­riage and fam­ily ther­a­pist. Mar­riages can sur­vive in­fi­delity, but it takes time,

Dear Con­fused:

full dis­clo­sure and hard work to re­build trust. It will hap­pen more quickly with pro­fes­sional help. If it doesn’t work, then it may be the time to “cut your losses.”

Dear Abby:

I was di­ag­nosed with can­cer two years ago. I had surgery and ra­di­a­tion treat­ment, and although my re­cov­ery was slow, I am do­ing well now.

About a year ago, a co-worker was di­ag­nosed with breast can­cer. Our other co-work­ers raised a large sum of money for her to be used at a spa. They have also of­fered her emo­tional sup­port via phone calls, texts, vis­its and cards. While I don’t be­grudge her the gifts and sup­port, I’m very hurt that all I re­ceived was a hand­ful of cards, an oc­ca­sional phone call or text and one visit from one per­son. Only one of my co-work­ers stuck by me through ev­ery­thing.

I see these peo­ple all the time, and I’m hav­ing a hard time with my hurt feel­ings. Any thoughts on how I can move on? As a side­bar, these peo­ple are al­ways the first ones to ask me for help and sup­port at work.

– Hurt In The East

There is noth­ing to be gained by nurs­ing this dis­ap­point­ment. You and this woman are dif­fer­ent peo­ple and likely have dif­fer­ent re­la­tion­ships with these co-work­ers. If you don’t want to help the peo­ple you feel gave you short shrift by com­par­i­son, you are free not to. But if you in­tend to con­tinue work­ing at the place you now do, rec­og­nize that it is time to put this be­hind you.

Dear Hurt:


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