Understanding what you feel is most important

Frank has always been sensitive to criticism. He’d been raised with little guidance from his parents other than to tell him he was a screw-up.

His childhood experiences took a terrible toll on his selfconfidence, an issue that plagues his life today. He becomes extraordinarily defensive when his wife has a complaint. Of course, his overreaction simply fuels the fire rather than resolves the problem.

Most people would be surprised to hear that Frank has been able to achieve considerable professional success. He was fortunate that one of his high school teachers was able to see through the false bravado that he was projecting in order to cover up his deep-seated insecurity. That teacher had told Frank he was smart and capable of doing well in school if — and it was a big IF — he was willing to learn how to discipline himself so he could sit down and study long enough to master the subject matter.

Although he was initially skeptical, Frank tried the teacher’s suggestions and saw his grades improve dramatically. That was the start of several successful mentoring relationships. As a result of the excellent support that he received, he was able to go a long way in the education system.

Eventually Frank became a pediatrician, which put him in the position of being able to help many other young people with their physical and emotional challenges.

Sounds like a story that should have a happy ending, but Frank has been anything but happy for most of his adult life. Although he’s successful professionally and really enjoys helping people, he’s been terribly dissatisfied in his personal life. Frank’s never felt truly loved in his relationships, and it’s hard to be happy without love.

While he got a great education regarding how to heal people’s broken bodies, no one ever taught him how to manage painful emotions, much less how to create happiness for himself. Frank’s fallen into following the pattern of relating to others that was installed as the default program when he was a child. Unfortunately, it’s a downward spiral of criticism, defensiveness, escalation and ultimately disengagement.

Frank’s parents focused mostly on what was wrong with people and with life, and he’s subconsciously followed suit.

Frank learned to hold himself and others to a very high standard, which neither he nor they are always able to meet, leading him to ruminate much of the time about what’s gone awry. Although there’s much to be grateful for in his life, Frank’s frequently obsessed with what’s wrong and who’s to blame.

In addition, Frank has been like a moth to the flame in terms of engaging with people who criticize him. He’ll fire off strongly to a co-worker’s efforts to shame him.

These negative interactions have been particularly painful as Frank prides himself on doing the right thing. And there’s a more sinister side to Frank’s being so reactive to criticism — it gives negative people a tremendous weapon to use to manipulate him. He immediately tries to placate people to remedy negative situations, which works well for those folks who are looking for a scapegoat when facing problems.

Frank’s wife puts him down in an effort to get him to realize how badly his counterattacks hurt her. She’s right to be hurt, but hurting her husband in return only makes the marriage much worse. Frank just turns away from her and focuses on work (and occasionally other women).

Eventually Frank found a therapist who helped him become as successful in his personal life as he is in his career. The counseling began with Frank identifying his core values. Without developing a clear internal guidance system, the psychologist explained, Frank would remain overreactive to the external judgments levied by others.

By coming to understand what he felt was most important, Frank was able to discern whether the feedback he was receiving was warranted.

For example, Frank had identified love as his most important value. He developed the ability to decide for himself whether his words and deeds were increasing or diminishing loving feelings.

If Frank realized that his wife was correct in pointing out that he’d said or done something that had hurt her, he was able to empathize with her. Because he shared the same value as his wife, Frank could acknowledge his misstep and take action to get back into a loving connection.

And as he changed his responses, his wife was able to soften her approach when she wanted to resolve an issue. Dr. Tom Muha is a psychologist working with clients in Annapolis. To contact him, call 443-454-7274 or email drtommuha@achievinghappiness.com. More information about positive psychology can be found at www.PROPELprinciples.com.