Don’t ask them, tell them
A grandmother in Arkansas says her adult children have great difficulty telling their children what to do. They turn instructions – more accurately, what they think are instructions – into questions and thenwonderwhy their kids don’t seem to appreciate their timidity.
Grandma’s email mademe think of a habit I have noticed among people a generation or more younger thanmyself. To wit, when they order food in a restaurant, they ask if they are allowed to havewhatever theywant. For example, when ordering a hamburger, instead of saying, “I’ll have a hamburger” or “I’d like a hamburger, please,” they ask, “Can I have a hamburger?”
What’s with that? You’re in a hamburger joint. Theword hamburger is printed clearly on the menu. The owner of said joint is obviously in the business of making money selling hamburgers. Setting aside, for the moment, that “may I have” is grammatically correct, why are you asking if you can have a hamburger? Has some hamburger salesperson ever denied you, as in “No hamburger for you. Try again”?
It occurred tome that theremay be some generational connection between asking a person behind a fast food counter if you are allowed to order an item that is clearly printed on the menu and asking children “howabout” questions that end in “OK?”
Example: “Howabout helpingMommy pick up these toys now, OK?”
Is the person who orders food passively also or someday going to be a parent who gives passive instructions to his or her kids?
That’s where the analogy breaks down because whereas the hamburgerworker isn’t going to deny the hamburger, a child can be counted on to defy the passive non-instruction. He doesn’twant to, it’s not fair, he didn’t put them all there, or just downright “no.”
I suppose I shouldn’t be pointing this sort of thing out to parents because it’s why I have a job. It’swhy, when I counselwith parents, I spend lots of time telling them howto talk to children, teaching them howto sound like authority figures.
“If youwant Billy to pick up his toys, simply say, “Billy, Iwant you to pick up your toys.” And then, I tell said parents, “Don’t stand there, waiting. That invites push-back. Justwalk away.”
Believe it or not, I occasionally have a parent tell me, “Oh, I don’t think I can do that.”
“Why not?” I ask.
“Well, I mean, it sounds, well, harsh.” Immediately, I knowI’mworking with someone who askswaitpersons if she is allowed to order a hamburger. Harsh is a word occasionally used to describemy approach to helping children eventually become functioning adults, when in fact, harsh is what’s likely to happen if one doesn’t use “my” approach (it’s not actually “mine” in any sense). As in, screaming and other lunacies.
Respect is not an entitlement. It isn’t deserved; it’s earned. People in positions of authority earn respect by acting like they knowwhat theywant. That begins with making oneself perfectly clear, as in, “I’d like a hamburger.”
And then, of course, “Thank you.”