ASK AMY DNA disclosure disrupts extended family

DearAmy: Acouple of years ago therewas a divorce inmy extended family. After the split, my ex- uncle( my aunt’s former husband) discovered that my auntwas fathered not bymy grandfather, but by anotherman( thiswas unearthed through aDNA genealogy site).

He toldmy aunt. My understanding is that she reacted with extreme anger and told him never to repeat the information. My ex- uncle has not told any of their children.

Unable to carry the burden, he let it slip, and nowIamin possession of this information. I’m looking for ethical guidance.

My mother nowknows that her sister is in fact her half- sister, but she has not told her sister that she knows this. Mymother has other siblings aswell, andwe have reason to believe that one of themis also likely fathered by this otherman.

I have cousinswho are unaware that they are not genetically related to our grandfather.

I feel I amnot rightfully in possession of this information. I believe that my aunt should inform her children, aswell as the other sibling. It seems that people have a right to knowwho they are related to, especially considering potential health issues, etc.

Is it appropriate forme to just sit on this family secret?

— In aTough Spot

DearToughSpot: Of all of the people youmention, you are the least connected ( or directly affected) by this news. Because of that, I don’t think you have the right to share it.

All of your information is indirect. Since this information is fromyouraunt’s ex- husband, and because hismotives are suspect, I don’t think you should even assume that it is true, until someone with direct knowledge confirms it.

You and your mother seem tohave developed a complex set of theories about other family membersbased on your mutual and indirect knowledge of thisDNAtest. However, because you both believe this to be true, your mother ( not you) should talk toher sister about it.

She should lay the responsibility for this knowledgewith her sister’s ex: “Iwish Stan had not violated your privacy and disclosed this, but he did.”

Given howfamily secrets sometimes circulate like a game of “telephone,” I think there is some likelihood that your former uncle did tell his children ( and probably others), but they are all sitting on this because they don’t realize that anyone else knows.

DearAmy: My girlfriend, “Jean” askedmy advice.

Her friend, “Pam” ( age 64), is divorced. Pamis throwing a 40th birthday party for her daughter. Pam’s ex- husband has not spoken to their daughter in about 10 years.

Pamfeels there should be some contact between the two. Shewants to invite him to the 40th party with his girlfriend.

Pamwants tohaveher daughter become part of her father’s life but, we’re not talking about a teenager daughter here— the girl is40yearsold!

Jean told Pamnot to do it! If the exwants to do something nice for their daughter on her birthday, he should do it on his own.

WhenJean askedme about it, I said, “I don’t know. Let’s askAmy.”

DearJohn: I understand all of the points “Jean” is making, but it is not Jean’s party— plain and simple.

My main piece of advice is that “Pam” should definitely ask her daughter if shewants her father to be invited to this gathering.

Celebrating your 40th birthday is challenging enough. Being surprised by your estranged father and his complete- stranger of a girlfriend brings this challenge to a whole other level — for everyone involved.

DearAmy: Thank you for reminding folks to purchase books through their local independent bookshops. These small businesses need our support, especially now.

My own daughter— age 24— is a partner in a cooperative bookstore in Asheville, NorthCarolina, called “Firestorm Books & Coffee.” They have closed their doors to the public, but the business has survived because people are ordering books through them and supporting the shop in otherways.

DearJen: Independent booksellers are vital literacy champions.