Break- up encounters should be negotiations

DearAmy: I just got out of a nine- year relationship with aman I’m just now realizingwas manipulative and mean. Unfortunately, he developed a drinking problem during our time together.

He broke things off twice, and Iwas the one whohad tomove out and losemy home andmy dog.

After being apart this time, I started to see some things I had ignored before because I loved him so much. He is emotionally abusive at times, aswe try to separate our items and as I try to purchase the house fromhim. He has said things like, “If you don’t drop this, I will take everything, and you’ll get nothing.” Or throwing it in my face that he’s gladwe never got married.

I started therapy and have been going nowfor two years. My therapisthas tried to guidemetoward what’s healthy, but I think she knew Iwasn’t ready to hear it. Iwas so in love.

I knownowthat breaking up is a blessing in disguise, but I’m struggling with his behavior because I loved thismanfor nine years, unconditionally.

Howdo I navigate this? Howdo I handle his behavior towardmewhile we figure things out?

— Struggling andHurt

DearStruggling: Like the old song says, “breaking up is hard to do,” even when you knowin your bones that it is the right thing to do.

Immediately postbreakup, your thoughts are still anchored to your ex, because being with him has conditioned you to automatically consider his thoughts and feelings before your own. That’s why your relationshipwas so imbalanced, andwhyhe has disrespected you. Your unspoken pactwas that he matteredmore than you do.

That impulse on your part iswhy it is important for you to learn to differentiate between his needs, and your own. You should nowworkhardtostop “handling” him at all.

If you are splitting up your household, think of these encounters as negotiations, not emotional relationship encounters.

Whenyour encounters and negotiations veer into name- calling or emotional manipulation, you should steer it back to the bloodless practicality ofwho gets the bookshelf.

DearAmy: I participate in a number ofZoombased discussion groups. They have been a great way to remain in contact people. Zoomdid not take off untilCOVID- 19 hit. But what happenswhen things return to “normal?”

I posed this question to one ofmyZoomgroups. The group hadmet for years in the back roomof a local restaurant. With COVID- 19’ s arrivalwe switched toZoommeetings. Most, but not all the former attendees joined. However, over time a number of out- of- towners joined theZoomgroup, some fromoutside theU. S.

My question to the groupwas what dowe do as a group afterCOVID- 19 is gone? Dowe cease using Zoomand abandon the group memberswhocan’t meet with us?

Dowe resort to in- person meetings with some Zoomconnection that bringseveryone back together in a hybrid manner? What’s the next normal?

— ZoomingBy

DearZooming: This is a great question. Inmy own community, where in- personworship service numbers have been greatly reduced by state mandates, we have developed a “hybrid” model of in- person meetings which are also accessible viaZoom.

I believe that this will become the “new normal,” which is ultimately a good thing! Bringing groups together via teleconferencing is onewelcome consequence of navigating our “new normal.”

DearAmy: Iwas disappointed by your response to “Distressed,” when you described 12- step groups as “God- focused.”

Twelve- step groups suggest finding and relying on a power greater than yourself, of your own understanding, it doesn’t have to have anything to do with “god.”

Ahigher power can be anything fromnature to the more traditional deities. Whateverworks!

— Agnostic 12- Stepper

DearAgnostic: I believe that 12- step programswork, which iswhy I recommend them. However, Debtors Anonymous, the 12- step programI recommended to “Distressed,” mentions “God” multiple times in their 12- steps, which is why I mentioned it.