Introductions and small talk are uncomfortable necessities

DearMissManners: I can’t make small talk. At a gathering, if I have nothing to say, I say nothing.

If someone asksmea question, Iwill certainly try to answer to the best ofmy ability, but that’s it. People will actually come up tomeand askwhy I don’t talk, and I simply tell them I have nothing to say.

Aroundwomen, it’s worse. I tend to be intimidated bywomenin general, which probably comes frombeing raised by a domineering mother. I once sat next to awoman in a class, and Iwas so intimidated by her mere presence, I didn’t say one word to her for the duration of the class ( about seven hours). I’ve never been able to understand howmost guys can just walk up to awoman and start talking.

Another problem is that I don’t introducemyself. I never likedmy name, so I don’t offer it. If someone asksmy name, I’ll certainly tell them, but they have to ask. But the main point is, aroundmen orwomen, I’m just not a talker.

Gentle reader: You put MissManners in mind of a father whose daughter’s college application asked whether shewas a leader. His advicewas to admit that shewas not, but to state that shewas a hardworking follower when the causewas just.

Anadmissions officer wrote on the young lady’s acceptance letter that the schoolwas especially glad to have her, because the entire rest of the class— indeed, all the applicants— were leaders, and badly in need of a follower.

We are a society of talkers, badly in need of a listener. Youdohave to learn to introduce yourself — it is a simple formula, but the failure to do so is unfriendly— and then to ask easy, non- intrusive questions. Don’tworry about making these clever; the most banal inquiries — about the occasion, the weather, the location— work best, because the other person is not challenged to come up with something original. Once you get others talking, you can be charming just by listening.

DearMissManners: Years ago, inmy prior marriage, my then- husband and I invitedmy newly married stepdaughter’s in- laws to dinner. They declined, stating that they “didn’t need anymore friends.”

Friends? And here I thought in- lawswere family. Later, the groom’s mother threwa baby shower for her daughterin- law( my stepdaughter) and shewas miffed when Iwas uncomfortable being on the invitation as a co- hostess — since, inmy opinion, friends throwshowers, not family. Admittedly I still responded as if shewere FAMILY. At least tomy stepdaughter.

Was this mother- in- law an anomaly? I’m getting remarried, and this will come up.

Various other in- laws are about to crossmy path, hopefully in a lovelyway, but I’ll have an old- fashioned attack of the vapors if I can’t get some consistency on this.

Gentle reader: Funny howthis person does not require friends except when they can help her pay for stuff.

MissManners supposes that at least her stancewas consistent. Since she did not regard you as family, then youwould indeed be a contender to host the shower— just not alongside her. Regardless, rudeness is rudeness, and if she did not wish to knowyou before, she should not have asked for your help later.

As for the larger question, in- laws should indeed be considered family

... in law. Out of law( as with divorce), theymay be considered friends if both parties are amenable. But they should never be considered benefactors.

DearMissManners: Since when does anyone with manners cut food with a FORK??? Isn’t that what a knife is for?

Gentle reader: Since about 200 years ago, when the forkwas belatedly coming intocommonuse. Before that, most Europeans and Americans ate with their knives— generally their own all- purpose knives, which they might have also used to kill small animals or clear brush.

Then it came to be considered more civilized to use a fork ( which Italians had been using all along), and tablewarewas already supplied at the table. The fork became the instrument of choice, with the knife only employed for meat and other foods that could not be sliced with the side of the fork.

MissManners has chosen to assume that you are more interested in learning history than expressing sarcasm.

To send a question to the MissManners team of JudithMartin, Nicholas IvorMartin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/ o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.