For some people, pandemic is exposing their unhappiness
People are spending a great deal of time trying to cope with the changes to their lives due to coronavirus. Some people are using this stressful time as an opportunity to improve their wellbeing. Others are sinking deeper into their unhappiness.
For Roberta, the pandemic has exposed a deeply rooted flaw in her relationships.
Years ago, Roberta built barriers to keep loved ones at a safe distance to protect herself. She needed to shield herself from the criticism she felt was unjustly imposed on her. However, when her father recently became ill, she found herself devoting a great deal of time to helping her parents.
She was once again thrust into a situation where her father pointed out everything that he thought she was doing wrong.
Spending much more time with her parents brought Roberta to the realization that she looks at herself in the same way that her father does – with a critical eye. She became aware of her incessant rumination regarding how she looks, what she says, and her reactions to problems occurring in her relationships.
Like many people, it took a crisis to motivate Roberta to change her life. She decided she wanted to tame her inner critic and start feeling good about herself. Having no idea how to accomplish that goal, she began to work with a positive psychologist.
Roberta quickly came to recognize that the barrier she built to protect herself has only left her feeling isolated and lonely. Her psychologist helped her learn that there are other ways to feel safe and protected that enable her to also feel closer to loved ones.
In an early counseling session, Roberta acknowledged she uses food and wine to make herself feel better. The wine helps her to turn off the critical voice in her head. The food helps to soothe the feeling that she isn’t good enough.
She’s become clear that her eating and drinking behaviors are actually a major contributor to her problem. The more
calories she consumes, the more self-conscious she becomes. When she puts on weight, she becomes even more self-critical – which fuels another round of eating and drinking.
Roberta discovered was that everyone struggles with life’s harsh realities. But she has come to understand that her struggles don’t mean there’s something wrong with her. It simply means she’s normal. That awareness opened the door to her learning self-compassion.
Roberta has been learning to respond to herself with lovingkindness and supportive compassion during difficult times. Doing so enables her to embrace her strengths rather than dwell on her imperfections.
Stepping into using her best traits has been remarkably effective for Roberta regarding how she’s communicating with her husband. Looking back, she realizes how easily her husband was been able to manipulate her. He would completely undermine her trust in her own judgment by fueling her tendency to doubt herself. That tactic enabled him to tell Roberta that she should believe what he was telling her rather than trust her own point of view.
When Roberta and her husband would have disputes, he’d win the argument by redirecting the conversation to focus on her vulnerabilities. His criticism would cause Roberta to lose her self-confidence and she’d just give in to her husband.
Counseling has helped Roberta to learn strategies for defeating her husband’s efforts to manipulate her. She’s learned to stop arguing with her husband and start talking to herself in ways that bolster her confidence. That enables her to engage in constructive conversations.
Initially, Roberta understood the concept of being a friend to herself but found it hard to do. When life became stressful, she would automatically begin to blame herself. She’d instantly go from “I hate this bad thing that’s happening” to “I feel like I’m messing up” to “What is wrong with me?” Focusing on her imperfections led Roberta to dwell on past mistakes and failures. When all she saw were the negative experiences she’s had in her life, she’d conclude that she was a bad person.
To break this destructive thought process, Roberta learned how to build an inner ally to offset her inner critic. She made a commitment to set aside time every day to practice loving-kindness meditation. For 10 to 20 minutes, Roberta repeats phrases like “May I be safe” and “May I be my own best friend.”
Research has proven that practicing self-compassion leads to greater happiness and more satisfying relationships. It reduces anxiety and depression. Being a good friend to ourselves can provide resilience to face life’s biggest challenges.