You can take steps to address depression from pandemic
The past year of the pandemic has taken a toll on our mental health. In a recent KFF Health Tracking Poll, 40% of Americans reported symptoms of depression or anxiety, up from 10% in 2019.
A groundbreaking 2020 report published by the British Psychological Society reveals that depression can be an adaptive response to adversity. Viewing depression as a helpful response for coping with prolonged stress changes how it can be treated. People can often do a great deal to help themselves recover from a downturn in their well-being.
This self-help approach is based on studies by neuroscientist Steven Porges. He’s added to our knowledge about how our autonomic nervous system responds to daily life experiences. When the ANS senses we’re safe, our feeling of well-being is strong, and we’re open to social connections. Short-lived stressful situations generate fight or flight reactions, which we experience as anger or anxiety.
But under prolonged periods of stress Porges’ studies show that our ANS “freezes.” We become immobilized. Our nervous system becomes depressed to blunt the emotional impact of bad experiences.
During the past year, many people felt the ill-effects of the freeze response. As their ANS shut down, they became increasingly immobilized by changes in how their brain looked at problems. They began dwelling on problems, impairing their ability to see solutions. Unable to envision good options, they lapsed into feeling helpless and hopeless. With no action required, their metabolism became sluggish, lowering their energy level.
Porges argues that it’s ill-advised to define this type of depression as a disease when it’s actually a threat response. Telling people that there’s something wrong with them makes them feel ashamed and “weak.” It misleads well-meaning family and friends to suggest the person just needs to “think positive.” When people can’t comply, they feel they’re letting others down and disengage even further.
Porges contends that depression can be a healthy way of adapting to threats. He doesn’t see people as damaged, but with nervous systems helping them to survive. His treatment approach involves changing people’s ANS by helping them re-engage with others in ways that increase their sense of safety.
However, it’s not enough to remove the threat. People need to see strong and persistent signs that they’re safe. Looking at overcoming depression through Porges’ model, people are encouraged to see their condition as their body’s way of helping them through hard times. When they re-engage in healthy relationships, their emotional state will improve.
Porges named his approach to helping people who had become immobilized The Social Engagement System. He found that talking in soothing tones and giving people genuine smiles were extraordinarily effective methods for creating a
feeling of psychological safety. When people become tense when talking to someone, they can calm their ANS by extending the exhale when they breathe.
If you believe your feeling blue may have resulted as a reaction to the prolonged pandemic stress, then you need to work on restoring psychological safety. Obviously, following the latest guidelines from the CDC can help give you peace of mind. Connecting to people who make you feel safe is an essential strategy to include in your recovery plan.
Because people have been socially distant for so long, they may be hesitant to engage with others. To overcome awkwardness, take small steps. Make a phone call to check up on a friend. See if a neighbor wants to go for a walk.
Tell trusted family members how much you love them. Keep telling yourself you’re worthy of having good relationships. Rediscover your strengths. Remember, you’re helping your body realize safe relationships are possible.
If you suspect someone has gotten down during the pandemic, talk about how hard this pandemic has been for everyone. Tell the person how you’ve gotten down at times.
Be an example of how to turn unhappy emotions around by telling them what you do to connect with others. Invite — even insist — that they engage with you in some activity, even if it’s online. If the person is unable to re-engage socially, then encourage them to get professional help. Continue helping them to connect to people.
To be clear, Porges’ model may not apply to everyone who is currently feeling depressed. Depression can arise from internal chemical changes as well as external existential threats. For some patients, a combination of medications and psychotherapeutic treatment approaches may be best. If you’re feeling depressed, consult with a mental health professional to discuss which type of depression you’re experiencing.
Dear Miss Manners: My twins are 2 ½. My brother and sister-in-law (who are delightful and lovely, and with whom we get along well) call my son by a nickname that we never use — think Tom for Thomas — and misspell my daughter’s name — think Anne for Ann.
We hardly ever see them because they live far away, so I haven’t said anything about it. I’ve rather been hoping that they’ll pick up the right name and spelling in our conversations, but so far, it hasn’t happened.
We’re going to see them soon, though, and I’d prefer that they get it right. They also have two young children, and they may need a little time to get used to hearing and using the right names. (Not so worried about how the preschoolers spell.) I’d also like to embarrass them as little as possible.
Is there a polite way to say, “We don’t actually call him that,” and “We actually spell it this way”? I’m probably overthinking this, but I don’t want to make them feel bad.
Gentle reader: Correct spelling may be a battle you can win. Nicknames, unfortunately, are not.
Miss Manners suggests that you save your energy for the former — because you and your twins will spend the rest of your lives sustaining it for the latter. Nicknames are almost impossible to guard against — at any stage of life.
For the moment, however, she suggests that you proceed with correcting those preschoolers.
It is much more socially acceptable, and even expected, for you to help them spell things. They can also be a major asset down the line by correcting their parents — a job that they will no doubt relish, and abuse, in your stead.
Dear Miss Manners: Last year, I did a great deal of home renovation projects. I found myself constantly astonished at the number of contractors and skilled workers who never responded to my inquiries requesting estimates for the work to be done.
This included contractors who had come to the house and discussed the work, but then never responded again. I have heard the same story from other friends as well. Do these people not understand that they are running a business?
Now I’m in the position of needing a contractor to return and follow up on a problem that he thought he had solved. Plus, there is an item that I offered to give him, but that he never picked up.
I gave this contractor over $100,000 worth of work and I have received no response after two inquiries. I’ve been tempted to write again with a snide comment on the order of: “After all the work and money I gave you, you can’t follow up on my request?” But perhaps Miss Manners can provide a more polite and effective way of eliciting a response.
Gentle reader: While she agrees that contractors and workers who do not respond to inquiries for estimates are rude and poor business people, Miss Manners bars the teaching of manners by civilians. You will therefore have to settle for an admonition that you are disappointed that they do not have time for new business.
Such a communication need not be limited to the contractor — it can be shared with his or her supervisor and the inevitable follow-up from the company’s sales department about your level of satisfaction.
The situation with the contractor you have already worked with is different: He has failed to provide the contracted service, and can be pursued with all the tools and energy available to aggrieved customers.
Dear Miss Manners: A friend’s wedding was postponed from last spring due to COVID-19. I had RSVP’d yes before positive cases in my state soared.
I have now rescinded my RSVP, because the event is unsafe. The bride is angry and doesn’t believe the deadly pandemic is real. Should I still send a gift?
Gentle reader: Whether you should want to send a present will depend on how significant a rift was caused when you told the bride that she was endangering people’s lives.
It was once enough for Miss Manners to point out that doing so is not more polite simply because it is true. This was in the days when public health pronouncements were made by trained officials to the public (for whom there was always an exception to the above rule), rather than the other way around.
It remains true that the bride is unlikely to take the news well. A present might heal the rift, and you can even order it online while you are on the telephone discouraging Grandma from attending.