COVID-19 increases worries about being alone forever

Living alone through the pandemic has been hard for Ann.

“I’ve felt lonely a lot,” she told her best friend, “and I worry about being alone for the rest of my life. My dating life came to a full stop. I’ve gained weight and lost self-confidence. I tried talking to a counselor, but focusing on past relationship problems made me feel worse.”

Ann’s friend told her she’d started online counseling sessions with a therapist specializing in positive psychology. “I’ve actually been a lot happier after learning how I can be at my best in relationships,” she told

Ann.

“I have no idea what it means to be at my best,” Ann said. “How in the world would you begin to figure that out?”

“For me,” her friend explained, “it started by picturing a positive outcome. “One of the first things my psychologist wanted to know was what my life would look like when my life was working well. After he helped me figure that out, I took a test to discover what strengths I could use to build the life I wanted.”

Ann was intrigued, so she set up an appointment. Her new therapist provided a much different experience. “Focusing on your shortcomings can make it harder to move forward,” the positive psychologist explained. “Instead, let’s figure out what you want and how best to get you there.”

“What I’ve learned from living through the pandemic is that I do not want to live my life alone,” Ann told her psychologist. “Tell me what a great relationship would look like for you,” he asked.

“I’ve come to realize how important it is to be friends as well as lovers. I was putting the cart before the horse in my past dating relationships,” Ann said.

Her psychologist shared Helen Fisher’s research regarding online dating experiences in 2020.

For the first time in decades of doing research on Match.com, Fisher found that the COVID quarantine had forced people to get to know one another before they got into bed together. As a result of establishing a friendship first, 50% of

people who engaged in online video dating were able to find loving relationships.

Ann was encouraged but still lacked confidence. Her psychologist had her take the Gallup StrengthsFinder assessment to determine those attributes that would enable Ann to be at her best. He explained that people have five strengths that are predominant in their personality. When facing a challenging situation, using one of these strengths reduces anxiety and produces a positive mindset.

“After I took the test,” Ann said, “I recognized that these were the strengths I’ve used at times in my life when I’ve been able to achieve my goals.”

Adaptability: “I wasn’t familiar with how to use online dating to find a relationship. So I read Fisher’s book ”Why him? Why her?” Changing my profile to more accurately reflect who I am and what type of person I was looking for made it easier to find good matches.”

Responsibility: “I used journaling to keep track of my daily goals, activities, and accomplishments. I reviewed these frequently for an honest accounting of how I was doing in my quest to find Mr. Right.

It helped me stick to my goals when I got discouraged.”

Relator: “I was looking for someone who was also able to make a genuine connection. I’ve really come to appreciate that I have a natural talent for relating well to people. I quickly discovered that many men were not able to have a comfortable conversation. But then I found Mike. We talked for over 2 hours on our first phone call.”

Arranger: “I loved this part because I really enjoyed putting together a plan for us to meet safely. We started doing a lot of walking and talking. We learned so much about each other: what our families were like growing up, what our hopes and dreams for the future were, and what kind of food we liked best. “

Positivity: “Understanding how to use this strength was hardest. I wasn’t seeing results at first, and I got discouraged. But I discovered I could be good at remaining optimistic. I reminded myself that when I keep trying eventually something good usually happens. I’ve found that talking to a wide variety of people helps me different decisions about who I choose to spend my time with. I believe in 2021 it will be very important to maintain my positive thinking about myself and the man I’ve found who adores me.”