To be happy, be with happy people
The father of positive psychology, Martin Seligman, found we live in one of three emotional states: happy, variable, and unhappy. Dr. Seligman also discovered how to improve our level of well-being so we can move from suffering to flourishing. It’s helpful to understand how we lapse into unhappiness.
Negative people believe life will turn out badly for them no matter what they do. Why? Because other people are responsible for the bad things that happen to them. Unhappy people take no responsibility for the outcomes in their life. What goes wrong in their world is the result of how other people behave.
Chronically unhappy people act out their negative emotions by treating others poorly. They justify discharging their unhappiness by blaming other people for causing it. Therefore, they justify doing whatever they want to get back at people. Unhappy people seem determined to make the rest of us miserable as well.
This fundamentally flawed way of thinking allows people to rationalize being cruel. They spew forth their anger, doing whatever they can to hurt the feelings of other people. They actually delight in seeing other people suffer. They want to bring everyone down to their level of unhappiness.
You can recognize these people because they frequently complain about how unfairly they’ve been treated. They never, however, discuss how they contributed to the problem. When you encounter these people, run. If you stick around for very long, you’ll become a target of their criticism as well.
That brings us to the next group of people — those in the middle who bend with the wind. Their emotions fluctuate according to who is getting their attention. The problem for these folks is that negativity is a magnet for our attention. For example, the stories on the nightly news or the rubbernecking that occurs around an accident on the highway. We human beings have a fascination with what’s going wrong.
Emotions are contagious. It only takes five minutes of being around an unhappy person to begin to feel down. The more attention we pay to problems, the more we fill our mind with unhappiness. Likewise, the more we listen to someone who’s negative, the more negative we become.
The good news is that the emotional contagion principle also applies to positive people. When we hang out with happy people, we fill our own hearts and minds with positive emotions. One of the best ways to make yourself happier is to choose to be around people who put a smile on your face.
Positive psychology studies show that people who are happiest focus on their relationships. Positive people put the needs of others before their own. Research reveals that married couples who focus on what their partner needs make each happy 80% of the time.
To be fair, only a small proportion of people learn to relate in this way. But if you look for these happy folks, you’ll find them. When you do, spend as much time with them as you can. You will catch their happy mood. More importantly, you can learn what the most positive people do to flourish.
The challenge in life is to make conscious choices about who you’ll pay attention to. Are you focused on people who bring negativity into your life or people who create positive experiences?
If you’re a person who cannot let go of problems, you’re probably plagued by anger, anxiety or depression. Stop paying attention to your story of woe. You’ve been hurt by others. We all have. But you can’t change the past. Focus on what you can do today to bring joy into your life. Talk to people who have something good to say rather than those who want to commiserate.
To be happy, choose to forgive those who have hurt you. Let the bad times pass. Let go of your connection to people who have been involved in bringing unhappiness into your life.
Be good to yourself. Eat well. Read uplifting books. Focus your time and attention on finding people who bring you happiness. Do what you can to make them happy, and they’ll do the same for you. Spend time in nature to lift your spirits.
Living well is the best revenge. This adage has stood the test of time for good reason. People who learn to let negative encounters pass are able to move forward with their lives. They accept that bad things will happen to them. To offset their negative reactions, they focus on generating positive moments.