We need an overwhelming number of positive emotions in our relationships
over the last 24 hours. How many minutes did you spend in quiet reflection contemplating how to change your own behavior? How much energy did you expand on working to improve your imperfections?
We struggle to muster the courage to acknowledge our own problems. Even when we’re aware of our issues, we rarely develop a well-constructed plan designed to change our behaviors.
To have a satisfying life, we need to have an overwhelming number of positive emotions in our relationships. Studies by renowned relationship researcher John Gottman show that the happiest marriages have five times more positive exchanges than negative interactions. Similarly, highly effective work teams have been found to have six collaborative conversions for every negative encounter.
People’s unhappiness builds rapidly when personal or professional relationships drop below a 3 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Resistance to suggestions increases. When the ratio is low, even positive bids for connection are rebuffed. Criticism begins to define the relationship.
When relationships become consumed by negative exchanges, we foolishly try to exert more control over the other person’s problematic behavior. Rather than seeing any improvement, we experience increased defensiveness and painful counterattacks.
As relationships dissolve, people conclude that the other person isn’t good enough — and tell them so. Nothing is more hurtful. We all share of the primal fear that we may not be good enough as a husband or wife, mother or father, boss or employee. Sadly, we are all imperfect when it comes to fulfilling those roles. When a spotlight is pointed at our imperfections, we feel incredibly vulnerable.
In dysfunctional marriages, spouses have discovered that they can make their partner feel unworthy of being loved if they do not comply with their demands. Some bosses have learned that pointing out what employees do wrong creates a sufficient amount of distress that they can make demands without regard for the employee’s well being. Some parents believe that the best way to deal with their child’s misbehavior is to make them feel bad about themselves.
Relationships ultimately fail when we focus on other people’s faults. Both parties end up feeling bad about themselves and resentful of the other person. When it becomes obvious that reconciliation isn’t possible, the gloves come off. A divorce battle follows for control over possessions, children, and friendships. Disrespected employees actively sabotage their boss and their company. Children who don’t feel cared about, don’t care about the rules.
The folly of dwelling on other people’s shortcomings is that we contaminate own mind. The greater number of negative thoughts we have, the more we’re flooded with negative emotions. It’s like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. When we allow ourselves to become consumed by negativity toward others, we kill our capacity for feeling love, hope, and joy.
The most important lesson we need to learn is that when we feel unhappy, we need to focus on what we need to do to create positive interactions. The problem, of course, is that we don’t feel good about the other person at that moment. But to the extent that we allow negative emotions to rule our lives, we’re ceding control to our flight, flight, or freeze stress reactions.
To break free from this doom loop of negativity, we must access the higher regions of our human brain. That requires an ability to envision positive outcomes when we’re in the middle of negative interactions.
Rather than making problems personal, we must train our brains to search for ways to improve the situation. To activate our problem-solving capabilities, we need to ask ourselves, “What would it look like if I were able to achieve a positive outcome?”
To achieve the greatest degree of happiness, we must focus our thoughts on how we can create mutually satisfying outcomes. That’s how we produce positive emotions. And when we make ourselves feel good, we generate the energy necessary for developing our action plan.