ASK AMY Partner’s hoarding prevents healthy bond
“Dave” and I have dated for four years. We love each other and are committed to our relationship. We have agreed not to marry, having survived devastating divorces, but we have talked about consolidating our homes and moving in together.
My trepidation has completely paralyzed me.
Dave earns an extremely good living. He is very particular in his dress and grooming. His house, however, is a nightmare! I believe he is a hoarder. He lives amid overwhelming clutter in every room, as well as throughout multiple garages.
He has bank statements from the past 25 years, old food and expired pharmaceuticals, moldy books, and on and on. He has yet to discard his ex-wife’s belongings (she has told him that she does not want these things).
We had discussed the possibility of his moving into my house. I keep my house neat and organized. I am afraid of his turning my home into the likes of his. I also fear that my impatience with his habits would lead to the breakup of our relationship.
We have also entertained the idea of selling both of our homes and jointly purchasing a townhouse or condominium and making a fresh start, although my concerns about his lifestyle persist. However, real estate brokers have told him that in his present state, his house cannot be shown to prospective buyers.
He can’t seem to find time to get to this task, despite the fact that he has reduced his work schedule to allow for two days off during the week.
I find it unlikely that our relationship can progress beyond what it is now. Your advice?
— Concerned
Your description of “Dave’s” home does indicate that he has a hoarding disorder.
You should not “combine” households unless he receives successful treatment and demonstrates that he is in long-term remission. Living with a hoarder is stressful and unhealthy, for all of the reasons you are already experiencing.
If he moves into your home or if you two move into a new place together, Dave will likely hold onto his house and storage buildings (because he won’t be able to part with possessions, and his property is unsellable). He will expand his hoarding into any household you two share.
Hoarding is not a character flaw, but a mental health disorder. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) connects hoarding with obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD. Hoarding Cleanup (hoarding cleanup.com) provides a directory of cleanup services and mental health providers specializing in hoarding behavior.
Dear Concerned:
Dear Amy: My wife and I are staying with my sister and her family for a while because our house is being renovated.
While staying with them, we have witnessed how they do things, and I have a serious issue with how my sister is raising her children, who are 10 and 7.
They’re nice kids, but so far in life they are useless. My sister and I grew up on a farm, and by their ages, we were competent in taking care of ourselves. We also had chores after school.
Her children don’t do anything to help at home. They don’t make their own beds, don’t put their school lunches together and only take care of the dog when an adult reminds them.
I feel strongly that she is raising them to be useless, entitled people. I believe it might be my duty as her older brother (and their uncle) to be honest about this. My wife disagrees. We agreed to run this past you.
— Concerned Uncle
Dear Uncle: It is the height of entitlement to criticize your sister’s parenting choices while staying as a guest in her home. I suggest you reflect on your own lofty attitude (while accepting your sister’s hospitality), and keep your thoughts to yourself.
Dear Amy: I was surprised by your response to “Worried Uncle,” who was about to host a heavily vaping teen for a week.
You suggested that he should “not police” her for vaping products. I disagree — “policing” is exactly what this girl needs.
The uncle had already stated the “no vaping” rule while at his home. That should be enough.