The bear necessities
As a social media user, I collect and publish misspellings, misinterpretations and other mishaps. The response has been overwhelming. One might even call it a title wave.
For me, it’s a never-ending source of amusement. You can blame it on “voice to text,” spell check, or other factors. I’m working on a book full of these, and I endorse the project whole hardly. My comments are in parentheses:
“They said to return these forms in a vanilla envelope. Where can I get one?” (I’d start at Baskin Robbins.)
“I don’t understand all the complaints about Daylight Saving Time. It gives my flowers an extra hour of sunshine!” (Nothing is misspelled here. But somehow this just belongs.)
“Everybody gets so mad about politics. Chill, people. Clam down! (They’re a bunch of chowder heads.)
“Our nation needs time to heel.” (I totally get that. I have a blister on my heel.)
“Herman got a job driving a tracker trailer.” (You know how he loves tracking people down.)
Sign above busy freeway: “PLEASE DRIVE WITH CAKE.” (Well OK, but I’ll have to juggle that with my gravy biscuit and coffee.)
“For sale: Like new, dining room table with all sex chairs included.” (Uh, I’m not sure those should go in our dining room.)
“Missing: Orange tabby cat, neutered in the south side.” (That makes sense.)
“Large dog needs a good home. Will eat anything, especially fond of children.” (Thanks for the warning.)
“My son Justin pulled off quite a feet. He won employee of the year.” (And what size shoes does he wear?)
“On the beach, we just saw a beautiful sunrise above the Verizon.” (I’d give it five bars.)
“Sorry for your loss. Let me offer my total symphony.” (Well, I appreciate the offer, but I just don’t have room. Maybe just the string section?)
“Charles is the new King of England. Before ascending to the throne, he was Prince of Whales.” (He can now fulfill his porpoise in life.)
“We don’t do any advertising. Our customers spread the word, so our best advertising is mouth to mouth.” (I’ll bet “the word” isn’t all they spread.)
“You have to be careful in this doggy dog world.” (Tell me about it. Life is ruff.)
“The car repair guy said I need a new Cadillac converter.” (I tried one of those, but it only converted my Pinto into a Maverick.)
“That new medication I’m on has given me a new leash on life!” (Except for that one weird side effect. I sure could use a good fire hydrant right now.)
“Before y’all start yappin’ about gun laws, you need to check your fax!” (Yep, it could be out of ink or paper.)
“Prices are so high, we’re just trying to get by with the bear necessities.” (We have rounded up some berries and green plants, and we’re looking for a den so we can hibernate in the winter.)
“I believe my rights were fragrantly violated.” (Anybody with common scents can sniff that out.)
“I need some papers signed. Is there a noted republic in our neighborhood?” (Yes, his name is Dooley Noted.)
“Come on out and cheer for our baseball team! Kickoff is set for 2:00 Saturday.” (I know they’ve been changing the rules, but this seems a little extreme.)
“After the kids play ball, we always give them free ice cream combs.” (I’ve been wondering why their hair smells like butter pecan.)
“My sister choked on a piece of steak. Thank goodness that man knew how to use the Heimlich Remover on her!” (So he removed the Heimlich AND the steak?)
“I think I may need glasses. Anybody know a good obstetrician?” (Sure, but I’ve heard the exam is a real eye opener.)
“That singer on American Idol is truly a Pre-madonna.” (Wow, I didn’t realize she was that old.)
“Have you tried the new synonym buns at Mcdonald’s?” (Yes, they’re just like grammar used to make!)
“My husband ordered the salmon, but I just had the seizure salad.” (I won’t be making THAT mistake again!)
Got more? Send them my way.