Mom must not let daughter’s feud dictate plans

Dear Carolyn: I have a very dear cousin and a very dear daughter, but they don’t hit it off.

My cousin lives out of state and visits only a couple times a year — usually at one of the big holidays. Because of socialmedia differences (for which both are at fault), my daughter refuses to attend family celebrations if the cousin is present. My cousin is unaware of this.

Last year, I asked my daughter whether she minded if the cousin was invited to one such event. She said she wouldn’t attend and would visit her in-laws instead.

Now, of course, anticipating coming holidays, she states that my cousin is always chosen over her.

I feel held hostage by my daughter. I have suggested that she contact this cousin to discuss their differences, but she refuses. I haven’t broached this with my cousin and have no intention of doing so, as this is between them.

Just so you know, both are “prickly” and have been described as “difficult.” But I love them both.

Dear Torn: You don’t have a gun to your head. If you don’t want to be a hostage, then you can opt not to act like one; you can decline to be manipulated. Start by explaining to your daughter that you aren’t choosing anyone over anyone else. She is the one choosing her grudge over attendance at family events.

And although you don’t endorse boycotting events, she didn’t ask you, and her presence or absence is her decision, not yours. Assure her that if your cousin had done something unforgivable, you’d back your daughter completely, but to your mind a social-media squabble doesn’t reach that bar. Let her know that if there’s more to this feud than you have been told, now is a good time for her to tell you about it.

If she counters with an accusation that you’re taking the cousin’s side merely by inviting her when you know that your daughter won’t come if you do, then you can calmly point out that this isn’t a social club; it is a family. People don’t get ousted just for disagreeing.

Translation: Don’t take your daughter’s bait. Say you love her, miss her when she opts out, hope for a truce — and plan to remain inclusive regardless.

I have no illusions that she will take this well; expect to end up on the business end of her quills. But caving in only proves to her that, on you, tantrums work.

Write to Carolyn Hax — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost.com.