Parents can minimize, but not stop, sibling rivalry
Dear Carolyn: I’m a dad with two daughters, ages 33 and 35. Both have graduate degrees, are gainfully employed, live on their own and are in what seem to be healthy relationships. My wife and I are proud of them.
So, what is the issue? The younger one constantly compares herself to the older one. It has been going on since they were kids. When she does, she always concludes that she doesn’t measure up. We have repeatedly stressed to her that this isn’t healthy and she needs to stop. She agrees but just can’t seem to fully disengage from doing it.
Are there any insights you
can provide that would help?
Dear B: “Funny, your sister never compares herself with you.” But I’m mean, and presumably you’re not.
This will sound mean, too, but bear with me: Of course, she doesn’t measure up to her sister.
But it isn’t for the reason she thinks. She doesn’t measure up because Older is merely being herself, while Younger is modeling herself in the image of (or deliberately not in the image of) Older. If there’s one thing everyone here can agree on, presumably it is that Older can be herself better than anyone else can. Younger’s quest was hopeless from its inception.
The only reasonable path Younger can take to feeling good about herself is to do the best job she can at being Younger. Using anything or anyone else as a point of reference is bound to fail.
If this concept resonates with you, and your daughter gives you the opportunity to present it to her, then go for it — once.
You might also pose the question I’d ask her if she wrote to me: With whom would she compare herself if her sister didn’t exist?
Unless the right “ifs” are in alignment, though, it is hard to see a place for your or anyone’s help. Your daughter is grown, and this is her demon to fight. It is possible that your involvement even helps prolong her struggle; responding to a worry has a way of validating it.
It is possible, too, that you see this as a bigger problem than it is. It isn’t rare for adults to struggle with childhood hang-ups — for 33-year-olds to turn 12 again upon crossing their parents’ thresholds.
Whether you say this new piece or not, make sure the next thing you try is changing the subject to something more productive, such as your younger daughter’s strengths, or something blissfully not related to siblings at all.
Write to Carolyn Hax — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost.com.