One person’s fear of regret doesn’t apply universally

Do you think that maybe the boyfriend in your Oct. 7 column genuinely cares about the girlfriend and just wants her to have healthy relationships with her family, possibly for her own good?

My husband isn’t close to either of his parents. They had him in high school and split when he was 2, and both started other families. His mother is a liar and manipulator, and his father cares more about his affluent lifestyle. I get it: My husband doesn’t have a strong emotional attachment; nor does he desire one.

I grew up with a tightknit family. My parents weren’t perfect, either. My father is a functioning alcoholic, and my passive-aggressive mother sets unrealistic expectations.

I maintain a relationship with my parents because I realize that one day they will no longer be here. Even though they messed up a lot throughout my childhood, they did the best they could for me.

My point is, I pressure my husband to “try” to have a relationship with his parents by saying, “Hey, maybe you should call your mom and see how she’s doing?” — to no avail.

I don’t

do it because of a “Well, if I can have a healthy relationship with my parents, then you should, too” mentality; I do it because I love him and want what is best for him. When they’re gone, I don’t want him to regret not trying harder.

Just because I want what is best for him doesn’t mean I know what is best for him, but my pressure comes solely from a good place — a point I think you overlooked.

You are saying your optimism trumps his agency in deciding what he will and won’t regret — no matter how you frost it.

You are, in fact, deciding for him that a relationship with his parents is best for him because that is the standard by which you live.

Have you considered that, when his parents are gone, his biggest regret might be that he didn’t ask you to drop the parent subject already, once and for all, 20 years earlier?

The issue isn’t just about relationships with parents. It’s more about the extent to which you can know another person’s mind and heart.

Everything in your letter is about knowing your own, and you are acting on that as if it were the same as knowing his. It isn’t.

Discussing your concerns is a loving gesture, yes, once — renewable after several years, maybe — but his future feelings remain his to manage throughout.

Your pressure makes no practical sense when you could easily let him take over: “I pester you about calling your parents because I’d want that if I were you. But I should have asked years ago: Does it bother you? Would you rather I give it a rest?” If he says he appreciates the reminders, nag with impunity — and, even better, permission.

As “good places” go, respect and humility are about as good as they get.

Carolyn Hax

Write to Carolyn Hax — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost. com.