Need for family can’t be met by uncle’s occasional visits

I have been married for 10 years and have two children, ages 7 and 9. We have no family in our city, and few of my relatives are still alive.

My husband has a larger family, but he isn’t especially close to his relatives. My kids love being around extended family, but we don’t have the money to travel and his family rarely visits.

My brother-in-law visits us every few years. He usually stays just for the weekend and spends only the first day with us. On the second day, he goes into town to have lunch by himself.

I find this incredibly rude. We clear our busy schedule to spend time with him, and then he makes it clear that he doesn’t want us to join him.

My husband sees nothing rude or inconsiderate about his behavior, even though my brother-in-law doesn’t tell us what his plans are before his arrival.

My children don’t understand why we can’t do something together.

Do you think I’m expecting too much from a houseguest?

You are expecting too much from a houseguest.

More important, though: You’re expecting way too much from one uncle, who by himself can’t possibly satisfy your kids’ — or, your — entire (valid) craving for extended family in five visits per decade, not even with that second day. And it’s unfair to expect him to.

Your opening paragraph is telling: Not only does it explain your obstacles to having something you value deeply, but it also has virtually no bearing on what relatives are or aren’t obligated to do when accepting your hospitality.

Is it less than ideal for him to use your family as “home base” while he extracts what he wants from your city? Sure.

But my concern is more that he doesn’t communicate with you about his intentions (some hosts wish their guests would be somewhat independent), plus you mention clearing your schedules.

A simple pre-visit email exchange or conversation might preempt hard feelings.

Instead of seeing this uncle as your chidren’s best hope for family, view him as the one-day visitor he is.

More important, see this as the push you need to find other ways to experience family. Or, when considering “family,” remember that creating community sometimes means leaving the tree.

— Anonymous