In remarriage, adult kids might struggle
When a parent remarries a much younger spouse, the main dynamic that comes into play with adult children is sibling rivalry, according to a Manhattan-based marriage and family therapist.
Intellectually, adult children understand that a stepparent isn’t a brother or sister, Paul Hokemeyer said. Intuitively, though, they are pulled into destructive relational patterns with them.
“At the top of the list are resentments as well as overt and covert hostility,” Hokemeyer said.
Children, after all, are hard-wired to compete with siblings for the emotional and physical support of their parents.
“When they see their parent devoting his emotional and financial resources to his spouse, the children feel betrayed and threatened. Eventually, they can make peace with the situation, but it takes awhile.”
Relationships between two people with a large age gap violate cultural norms, said Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor in the Columbus area, and might even be viewed as “gross,
improper or even immoral.”
“Adult children are not only processing their own complicated feelings about the relationship but also must contend with the negativity of others,” he said. “Some adult children might be embarrassed enough to cut off contact.”
Experts agree that both the parent and adult children need to be open to making it work. The parent has to understand the pain that such a relationship might cause his or her adult children. Likewise, the adult children need to understand that such an unconventional relationship might meet the parent’s needs.
“A lack of communication and failure to understand the needs of each other will cause the biggest roadblock,” Bennett said
Whether a family’s relationship stays intact is also influenced by earlier circumstances, said Ramani Durvasula, a professor of
“An overly vigorous younger spouse trying to break into a friendship role with the adult children may not feel good to the children,” she said. “Is the new parent a soft touch, or trying too hard, or not trying at all?”
A younger spouse might also mean new children — an issue that, in some families, might relate to how assets are allocated.
In addition, the new spouse might be perceived to be after something other than a healthy relationship with the parent — such as money, comfort or status.
“The relationship your adult children have with a new partner can be smooth sailing or a deal breaker in your relationship,” said April Masini, a relationship columnist and author. “Children from a prior relationship can be just as difficult in a marriage as in-laws.”
For all the obstacles, though, such relationships can work, the experts say.
Masini said that if the adult children are happy and healthy, they’ll likely be happy for the parent. The parent’s relationship with the ex-spouse and the mental health of that person also factor in.
“If your ex is miserable and blames you for his or her misery, there’s a good chance that will affect your adult children,” Masini said. “If you’re ex is happy and healthy, you’re more likely to have smoother sailing.”
Regardless, a second marriage is never a simple endeavor.
“Ultimately, (it’s) better (to have) a younger spouse who authentically loves the marrying parent and tries to connect with his children,” Durvasula said, “than a more ‘appropriately’ aged spouse who is dismissive or not good for the marrying parent.”