Daughter’s girlfriend merits family-vacation invitation

We retired to the Washington, D.C., area to be near our daughters and grandchildren. Together, we have enjoyed several weeklong family vacations.

This year, we are planning a longweekend trip to a family-type inn. One of our daughters has a lesbian friend with whom she vacationed during the summer and plans to vacation again in the coming summer.

My other daughter insists that we include her sister’s friend, but my husband and I don’t enjoy the friend’s personality.

This daughter feels the same but insists that her sister will be upset if her friend isn’t included. They became acquainted two years ago; they don’t live together but have an exclusive relationship.

Must we invite her?

She’s not your daughter’s “lesbian friend”; she’s your daughter’s girlfriend — and, yes, you must include her, as you would a girlfriend you liked or a boyfriend you didn’t.

You could exclude the girlfriend as you would anyone your daughter hasn’t fully committed to. If that’s the precedent you set, though, expect her to see it for the flimsy excuse it is.

To be clear: As sentient creatures, you always have final say about whom you interact with.

Given that you rebuilt your life around your children, though, you should be mindful of what’s right and of the price you might pay for not making the noble choice.

I just learned that our 24-year-old daughter married her boyfriend a year ago and didn’t tell us. She doesn’t know that we know.

She probably didn’t tell us because she knew we wouldn’t approve. She works two jobs to support them; he works part time.

How should we handle this? We are disappointed and shocked.

Your standing to approve or disapprove of your daughter’s life choices expired when she became an adult.

You’re certainly entitled to your opinions, but you’ve never been entitled to act on them without consequences.

If you want your daughter in your life, if you want her trust, if you want her to have the best chance to get or stay on sure footing, you should really listen to what she has likely been telling you.

Admit to her that you know about the marriage. Say that you get it now — assuming you do — that you needed to back off a long time ago.

Explain that you’re sorry for treating her like a child when she no longer is one. Tell her that you hope you can earn back her trust.

— — Anonymous