Boyfriend must weigh high demands of potential mate
Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend and I have had an up-anddown relationship for four years, complete with several breakups. We keep getting drawn back to each other — there are qualities we see in each other that we simply don’t find in other people. But she is very demanding emotionally, and I end up feeling like I don’t have enough time for work, friends and non-shared interests.
Her demands push me to the limit, and I eventually get angry. I’ve told her I feel worn out by her and that I can’t do or be everything she wants in a mate. Recently, I delicately brought up that she is high- maintenance. She told me that the sentiment belittled her feelings, but her response was so practiced that it was obvious that other guys have told her the same. I know I can’t change her, but are there things I could do to help foster a less high-maintenance style?
Yes — don’t maintain it. Stop being what she wants in a mate; start being yourself.
The roof will either fall in or it won’t — both outcomes warrant a round of applause, just for busting you out of a rut that has you using terms such as “very demanding emotionally.” You need to be you, she needs to be needy, and it’s time you both figured out whether or not you can be these things bearably together.
No friend or mate or family member is ever perfect, though, and not every requirement is healthy, so there’s always some dealmaking involved; getting anything you want always costs something else.
You say your girlfriend possesses some rare qualities — for which you pay with your energy, your free time and your right to live drama-free. Sometimes all it takes to break a relationship impasse is a conscious decision, once and for all, whether a person is worth her price.
Dear Carolyn: My brother has been dating a woman for about a year, and my entire immediate family does not like her. She is manipulative, passive- aggressive, immature, and has a selfrighteous streak. My mom is just crushed that this girl will likely marry my brother. I think if he thinks she is so great then let him make this huge mistake. He is 34 and complains that there are so few women out there who have never married and have no kids ( requirements for him), so I think he is feeling a bit desperate. What does a family do?
A family embraces futility. It’s a common problem, yes, and intractable and heartbreaking.
That’s because attempting terrible- mate- extraction surgery not only rarely succeeds, but the complications also can kill the family. You can’t get rid of the whole problem unless you cut out the sibling as well.