Couple’s long periods apart a rub that merits reflection

My boyfriend and I moved in together two months ago. We’re very much in love, and I feel comfortable discussing issues and feelings with him. But I have always struggled with bringing up things that upset me.

His job is seasonal, and autumn is exceptionally busy for him.

This is the first fall that we’ve been together, so I wasn’t emotionally prepared for the extended periods of time that we are spending apart.

He takes great pride in his work and in ensuring that his customers are satisfied. I love and respect this about him.

Coupled with his commute — he moved farther from work so we could live together — he is gone from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. on weekdays, and he expects to have to work some Saturdays, too.

He’s exhausted when he gets home and not in much of a mood to talk.

I, on the other hand, have been home for a few hours by then, miss him and really want to chat. When he’s not wiped out, we can talk for hours. Any advice?

Treat him as if he were deployed. He’s gone for the fall except for some bonus evenings of quiet togetherness. You will get him back in full soon enough.

Try to make it work by finding other productive, interesting or fun things to do with the time you would normally spend with him. Do this till the season ends.

After you have had him back for a while and gotten some distance from the emotions you’re feeling now, reflect on the whole experience. If you decide at this point that you don’t want to live this way indefinitely, then talk to your boyfriend about the future — goals, dreams, realities.

Accordingly, you will then need to decide whether the relationship is truly what you want.

You will be happier about the overall answer — and happier in general — if you reach the decision on your own.

So, here’s a rough set of commandments to get you there:

1. Do not take personally what isn’t personal. He is driving, working, driving and resting; he is not purposefully avoiding you.

2. Do not confuse desires with expectations. You want to chat after a long day, but that doesn’t mean it’s fair to expect him to chat after a long day.

Expecting it introduces disappointment. Don’t dismiss the wanting, though; it can tell you what matters to you.

3. When you don’t get what you want, try liking what you actually have. Each fall, you have the security and promise of a shared love plus the freedom of “found” time.

What good ways can you use that? And, how can you make your “couple time” both restorative for him and satisfying to you?

4. Put away any preconceived notions of how a relationship “should” be and let your contentment, or lack of it, tell you whether it works.

Don’t fight your reality. See what will and won’t change — not because you want it to but because it does.

Then, trust the answer you get.

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