Sales-pitch language finds luxury in mundane

Silly me. I thought we were simply buying a $6 flapper to fix our toilet flusher.

How wrong I turned out to be.

What may be the dullest piece of equipment in the entire house turned out to be quite an inspired decorating choice, at least according to Amazon.

The American Standard Series 540 toilet flapper, according to the description posted on the online retail site, “brings functionality to your home, while offering the trusted, enduring qualities, this collection features high style for the discriminating consumer.”

Oh, but there’s more — so much more.

“Beautifully detailed, this item captures the essence of old-world elegance,” the description continued. “Adds a splash of color to brighten up your home.”

I had to admire the clever use of the phrase “splash of color” to describe a toilet flapper which is, in fact, bright red and did, in a way, splash.

My only disappointment, of course, was how few people would actually see this elegant piece of home decor, buried, as it was, under several inches of water in the toilet tank. My wife — who actually replaced the flapper — and I wondered if we shouldn’t leave the tank open to display our exceptional taste.

The Amazon description is nothing more than silly boilerplate carelessly slapped on a piece of hardware.

But it served as an illustration that homes can be filled with everything from slight exaggerations to downright deceptions.

In such a world, a vase speaks magnificently to a storied past and a chair is a splendid statement of grace.

The bigger the product, it seems, the more inventive the language — until we

reach the biggest product of all, the house itself.

Here, language takes on magical qualities.

Small becomes “cozy.” (And don’t even think about “intimate.”)

A basement is transformed into “garden level.”

Backing up to a freeway is described as “easy highway access.”

In need of complete updating becomes “loads of opportunity” (or “original owner!”)

Clownish decoration morphs into “loaded with character.” Not a hint of character appears as “a blank slate.”

A world of beige is dressed up as “neutral colors.”

No curb appeal becomes “must see to appreciate!”

There’s loads of others, including those great catch-all warnings, “handyman special,” “in need of some TLC” and “loaded with potential.”

The lesson, as always, is buyer beware. As for me, I’m off to admire my new toilet flapper.