Sons’ safety demands a talk with gun-owning neighbor

Dear Carolyn: I am a mother of twin 5-year-old boys. My sons play together well with our neighbor’s same-age son, at his house and ours.

Three weeks ago, I learned that the family owns guns, which the mother says are stored properly. I could not gather the courage to request further details, as I feared sounding impolite and inappropriate.

Ever since, though, I have been struggling with the notion. I end up visualizing all the possible scary scenarios whenever my boys play at our neighbor’s home. What do I do? It will soon be winter and playing outdoors in subfreezing weather won’t be an option.

People who keep guns in the house and take the responsibility seriously enough to host small children safely will welcome a fellow parent’s inquiry about the precautions they take.

People who get offended by your inquiry about precautions are not ones you want hosting your children.

The gun question is tidy that way, if awkward. The qualities you want in someone watching your children are honesty, humility and appreciation of the sacred trust you’re placing in them. If she’s more concerned with defending her choices than informing yours, such a reaction indicates that she is her top priority, which means that your boys’ safety cannot be. Such priorities are mutually exclusive.

This is true of anyone watching your kids, not just a gun-owning neighbor — and defensiveness is a liability across the board, not just on the subject of guns. A hot- button issue merely has a way of burning faster through people’s wishful thinking and polite deflections.

So ask your questions. Or just say that you’re not comfortable having your kids play in a home where guns are kept, if that’s how you feel. ( My vote is for educating yourself before you make up your mind.)

Either way, you no longer have the luxury of worrying whether your due diligence regarding your kids’ safety is “impolite and inappropriate.” Mom up and say what you want to say.

For anyone who overrides self- preservation impulses out of fear of appearing rude, “The Gift of Fear” and “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin de Becker are required reading — because I doubt that you would literally rather die than offend.