Accepting Dad’s girlfriend takes time, understanding

I need someone to talk some sense into me. My parents were married for more than 40 years before my mom died suddenly three years ago. My dad is now dating a nice woman, and I’m truly happy that he has a companion.

But how do I get past the feeling that my mom has been cast aside? I’ve come around to the idea that a person can find love multiple times in life, and his life did not end when hers did. But, she’s my one and only mom and I don’t want another one.

Somehow I can’t reconcile these feelings, and its causing me to still be a bit resentful of my dad and his girlfriend, which I really want to get past.

You’re not getting another mom. Your dad isn’t dating another mom. If he marries the woman, then you’ll technically get a stepmother in the transaction, but that is not the same as replacing Mom.

Just because your mother was at the same time both a wife to your father and a mother to you doesn’t mean any new women in his life will occupy the same dual role. Remember, too, your mom’s relationship to your dad was separate from hers with you. Your dad’s loss was very different from yours, and so his path after it will be as well.

A new woman in your dad’s life is just that — a new part of life. How she becomes part of your life is something different, and you have a say in how that goes.

Seeing a woman with your dad, of course, will bring up associations with your mother. That’s what familiarity does — it sends your brain along certain reflexive paths. That’s also what grief does. You’re still adjusting to a painful absence even three years later. It’s normal and OK.

Time has an answer to both familiarity and grief. As you get used to seeing your father with someone not your mother, and as you get to know this woman (or others) as an individual as opposed to just a not-Mom — you will gradually react to them as individuals too.

Like them, dislike them, love them, feel neutral, enjoy their company, put up with them for Dad’s sake, avoid them, whatever their characters warrant.

It’s not a betrayal to your love or origins to choose not to compare anyone to anyone else.

I recommend not even comparing the way your dad is with other women to the dad you knew with mom. You’ll see a different version of him for sure, subtly or otherwise, because different people bring out different elements in all of us. Be patient with yourself and your dad.

— Dad is Dating

South’s jack before leading a second round of trumps. South won in dummy and crossed to his hand with the queen of spades, drawing West’s last trump.

South could succeed at this point if he could get three club tricks, or find the queen of diamonds. He led a low club to dummy’s queen, crossed back to his hand with the ace of hearts, and led a low club to dummy’s jack. West had to duck both clubs, of course. Declarer now found the elegant play of leading dummy’s queen of hearts and discarding the king of clubs as East won with the king. What could East do? If East had a club to play, that would mean that West’s ace was now singleton. South would ruff and dummy’s long club would be good. A diamond lead instead would pick up the queen, so East decided to lead a heart.

South ruffed in dummy while shedding a low diamond from his hand. He now simply ruffed a club. East was now known to have started with exactly two diamonds. In this three-card ending, West still had the ace of clubs, meaning he was down to two diamonds also. The ace and king were sure to drop the queen and South had his game.

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