Nothing is likely to change until spouse communicates

My wife has been a freelance consultant whose work has dried up. I have a good-paying job, and I figured that, with her work having dried up, she would take care of the house, bills, paperwork, etc.

Instead, I don’t know what she does. Things are not put away, and if she spent as much time taking care of our house — for which I just funded a hefty renovation — as she does defending herself and how busy she is, we would have no problem. (She keeps busy with her hobby or her friends during the day.)

My wife cooks, and on weekends I do the laundry. This is becoming an issue for me, and she knows it; still, nothing changes. I feel exploited.

I’d be angry, too. Seething. A household involves a lot of work, and I couldn’t trust a partner who was comfortable leaving most of that work to me.

That’s not all I find irksome, though. I also don’t like it when someone “figures” I’ll assume this or that responsibility without checking with me first.

And I don’t like it when the person then gets angry at me for not doing it.

I also don’t like it when I’ve always been X, am accepted for X, embraced as X, and then, because someone’s needs have changed, I’m expected to be Y.

I also don’t like beancounted renovations.

So, did your wife “know this” because you discussed divisions of labor upfront? Or did she learn this only after you just assumed she would parlay underemployment into more housework and then became annoyed when she didn’t?

Did you marry her just for the pleasure of her company or to share the load a bit, too — to have her there for you and likewise be there for her when the hills start to feel especially steep? Or was it more transactional than even you would like to think?

On that last question, I don’t judge, given that there’s not just one right answer. But it helps to know answer — wants versus needs — before deciding how to respond to not getting either of these.

It could be that your marriage is suffering from an imbalance in its ratio of assumptions to communication. It could also be suffering from something as simple as a poor delegation of responsibilities.

Of course, you could be right about being used. There are certainly differences not worth reconciling.

So: Swap out the topic of conversation from what you expect to what you feel, and ask her to suggest what household contribution she thinks is fair; switch up the chores so you each get more/less of what you’re good/bad at; reframe her presence in your life as companionship first and gauge whether that helps.

If it doesn’t, you’re nearing a crossroads in your marriage, and she needs to know that.

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