Husband’s declining health requires lifestyle changes

start closing it. Stop hoping things will be different. Accept the worst-case scenario, grieve, express your anger about it to your husband. Tell him you love him and envisioned years of his company, and it pains you to spend this time instead witnessing his self-destruction.

Unless you’ve said so already. In that case, move to the next step: the life you lead in this truth. And make the best you can of who your husband actually is.

You can adjust what you think, what you do, what you plan and with whom, and what you expect of it all.

It seems your choice is between an active retirement or a shared one — but not both. Or one that toggles between the two: X diversions you share with him, Y activities you do independently. Anticipate and

the caretaking, too, so it doesn’t chain you to home.

I won’t pretend this is a great solution. But it’s a solution that’s real, achievable and potentially lifesaving. Simmering anger will kill off these last years for you — emotionally, if not for real — faster than the sofa is killing your husband.

Dear Carolyn: We have gone on weekend getaways with another couple for years. They are now asking about a longer vacation. The trouble is, the entire time they are calling or texting their children about everyday things. We connect with our kids when we return home. I’ve jokingly hinted about the time spent on the phone, but it doesn’t seem to get to them.

If I tell the truth, I’m afraid we’ll lose their friendship.

Possibly the one good thing about dumbphones ruining everything is that you needn’t point fingers. Everyone’s guilty! So: “Yes, we’d love a longer vacation! A warning, though — I’m on an anti-phone crusade and will only go unplugged. If they refuse: “I understand — another time then.”