Grieving friend deserves sympathy, not demand for money owed

When the remaining two of us asked her to pay her portion of the hotel bill, she refused. She played the “sympathy” card saying she was already out the train and theater tickets as well as the cost of flying to see her relative, and we should have empathy. We told her we were sorry for her situation, but we expected her to honor her commitment. Now she has severed our friendship. How do I handle this? She lives next door!

That’s not “play[ing] the ‘sympathy’ card,” that’s asking for sympathy.

And Do you know how callous you sound?

Your friend was dealing with a relative’s death. Yes, she made a commitment, but a death in the family is widely considered a legitimate excuse.

Here is how you handle that: “I am so sorry. We’ll miss you. Don’t worry about the hotel, obviously — and let us know what else we can do.” Yes, you got stuck paying more, but you got more space, too. And kindness is its own reward.

Nothing about your letter says, “We felt terrible for her and would have absorbed her share if we could have.” You don’t feel bad for her, you feel bad only for you. Feelings came up only because you were annoyed that she asked you to have them. If you now grasp this and regret it on any level, then walk next door to apologize for letting the battery die on your humanity.

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s and have been dating for two years. We are starting to introduce our parents to extended family.

My boyfriend’s parents have been divorced for 20 years. He is extremely close to his mom but his dad is pretty distant. His mom has lived with an amazing man, “Bob,” for 13 years but they are not married. My boyfriend considers Bob more of a father figure than his biological dad. However, since Bob is not technically his stepdad, how should I introduce him?

Scripts are easier with names, so mom’s Mimi and your boyfriend’s Beau.

• You can be truthful in as economical a way as possible: “This is Bob, Mimi’s partner and basically Beau’s dad.”

• You can decide a fiction is truer than the truth (but clear it with Mimi, Bob and Beau): “This is Beau’s mom, Mimi, and his stepdad Bob.”

• You can let people sort it out amongst themselves — “This is Mimi and Bob.”