Grandmother must give up toxic claim or be left out

wrong, my wife’s late mother was still a “real grandmother,” and I knew she didn’t like it but my stepmom and stepmom-in-law are valued members of our family and grandmothers to this child. She didn’t apologize, insisting it’s factually accurate, even though my wife was really upset.

My sister-in-law threw us a baby shower last weekend and my mother spent the whole party loudly referring to herself as [nickname] and, when questioned, smugly responded she’s the only blood grandmother. We pulled our clearly-hurt stepmoms aside, apologized, and insisted we’re not in agreement with my mom and trying to get her to stop.

After the party, I let her know how far out of line she was and how we’re not going to use that name, but she said basically that it wasn’t her fault they were oversensitive.

How do I get my mom to back off this stupid, toxic nickname?

Your mother sounds insecure and terrified of coming in seventh in some imagined grandparent derby.

The way she has chosen to act on that fear is awful, arguably evil, but it appears to be an act of frailty at its core.

Still, your most effective option is to exclude your mother if she keeps resisting inclusion. First, rewrite the name rule. Let all of them choose their own — that’s a form of equality too.

Then, to her: “Love defines ‘real’ to us, not blood. Claiming ‘real’ just for you may comfort you, but it undermines our beliefs and our family. You’re my only mother, and I love you, but I can’t include you in our child’s life if you continue to make this claim. Let me know what you decide.”

You see her solo till she drops it.