Parents should see therapist if angsty daughter won’t

Dear Carolyn: I have a daughter who is having an incredibly hard time adjusting to middle school. There’s so much more going on with her emotions, internal regret (“I wish I had done X instead of Y!”), and her selfimposed pressure to do well in school.

We don’t pressure her at all about her grades — she’s bringing in A’s and B’s of her own accord — and she appears to be doing wonderfully well to the outside world, but ... on the inside (and with us) she seems miserable.

She feels things strongly and can be the most loving kid you could imagine and then within a couple of hours is screaming and slamming doors.

She lashes out at me and her father frequently, sobs for hours from getting a C on a quiz, and generally seems out of control with her emotions.

She seems to keep it mostly together while in school or around others but as soon as she is home, and I assume where she feels safe to show her emotions, she lets it all out.

I realize there are a lot of hormonal changes going on, but I’m fearful this will continue as she gets older.

We know the advantages of therapy, but she’s so unwilling to go that we’re torn between “forcing” her and working within our existing structure of crying/screaming/ apologizing/storming around/slamming doors/whining about every other night.

— Anonymous You’re obviously well-informed and realistic about your daughter’s situation.

She’s: internally pressured, check; hormonal, check; emotionally out of control, check; exhausted by holding it together in public, check; letting it all out at home where she feels safe, check; too volatile/disruptive/miserable to be in a “phase,” check.

And you’re very rational about therapy, check.

Funny thing about being informed, aware and evolved, though: It can lull you into thinking you’re all set and your daughter’s the one needing help.

Consider this a nudge toward saying out loud to a therapist, “We need help with our daughter.” And to her doctor, too, since some illnesses and even food intolerances can affect mood.

A good therapist who treats adolescents, especially teamed with a good pediatrician, can give parents the insights and phrasings and options to engage a volatile child instead of tiptoeing around her. All of that can either solve these issues or be Step 1 toward a treatment your daughter needs.