Adult child of ‘saboteur’ needs therapy to detach emotionally

Dear Abby: My mother recently confessed to me that, during my senior year of high school, she sabotaged my chance to go to my dream school (with a nearly full scholarship) because she didn’t approve of my desire to go to art school.

I missed my orientation because she “got the date wrong” and then told me the school refused to reschedule. The truth is that she never contacted the school and and let officials there think I was a no-show. I believed her.

I can’t begin to describe what an effect this has had on my life. She has used that incident as “proof” that I didn’t know how to make good decisions. Every time we talked, she would remind me that everything I was doing — my friends, my relationships, my hobbies — was a mistake, a waste of time or both. To preserve my sanity, I cut off contact with her, but my confidence and selfworth haven’t recovered.

Almost 20 years later — after a very rocky reconciliation — she admits to having deliberately torched my dream. She apologized but immediately said that she knows a few out-ofwork graphic designers and suggested that I should be grateful to have a stable job.

She refuses to go to counseling, and talking to her doesn’t help. She deflects by talking about how bad I’m making her feel.

I don’t know what to do with my hurt feelings. The damage is done, but all the old pain is fresh again in a new, awful context, and I dread to think of what she might want to be “honest” about next. Am I being too harsh? — A Could-be Artist in Tennessee

Dear Could-be Artist: You aren’t being too harsh! You now understand that your mother, who seems to have an obsessive need for control, isn’t trustworthy. Because she can’t be relied upon to do what’s right for you, you need to emotionally emancipate from her.

Counseling can help you work through your pain and disappointment — a goal you will reach more quickly if you don’t try to heal on your own.

You have my sympathy. Your mother’s parenting technique was terrible.

P.S.: It’s never too late. You can get back on your path by enrolling in art school now.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www. Dearabby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.